response from Steel -
u are not alone. i too was abused, insulted hurt by my husband in the early years of my marriage. i am married 25 years. not only did i have to go thru **** with him. every time his mom complained to him about me - it was another beating. with no where to go and with two little kids - i just accepted this as my life. to the world my husband was perfect. he cared for everyone, showed them kindness and love. but at home behind closed doors myself and my kids lived with a monster.i used to always pray, make dua and cry on the musallah and ask/complain to Allah - that how cud Allah let me live a life like this. well - u know they say that Allah always hears and answers the cry of the oppressed. My husband then lost his job and became totally dependant on me. All those he ran behind showing his love and kindness shunned him. why - becoz he mite ask them for money - they showed their true colours. i had to pay all the bills, see to the kids. in other words i took over all his responsibilities and he without his job and money was nothing but a shell of a useless man. his mother started worshipping me and running behind me. too little too late.from that day onwards they dynamics in my marriage have changed. from that day he stopped beating me, started treating me like a human. BUT U KNOW WAT - MY HATE FOR THIS DOG NOW IS WORSE THAN EVER. I CANT STAND HIM AND HAVE ASKED HIM for a divorce. i told him that i want him out of my life. he seems shocked. he says he has nowhere to go. when he can get back on to his feet he will leave. my kids hate him - even though they big now the hurt and damage and seeing me beaten up by my husband - has caused them to have no respect for him.i sometimes ask myself. Allah has punished this man. i had no money and no job. i found a fantastic job and earn a gr8 salary and i have now becum totally independant. who did that for me - Allah. i stayed with him for my kids - today they the most amazing kids even though they grew up in this abusive home - who helped me with this - Allah. So if Allah has punished my husband and taken care of me so well WHY THE HELL DO I STILL FEEL THIS HATE FOR THIS MAN !!!i sometimes feel that i am possessed. hate hate hate for this husband. no matter how good he is to me now -the images of his hands on my throat, the kicks, the punches, the indifference when me and my kids used to cry. they say we must forgive coz Allah is all forgiving - but how do u forget. do u have to suffer from amnesia for the memory of the abuse to be wiped out from your mind. i have tried everything, excercising, making an effort to tell my mind to focus on the NOW and forget the PAST, making zikr, i occupy myself to the point of exhaustion so i dont have this recurring image and hate building up inside me. sometimes the hate is so strong that i fear i might do something to harm him...............So u see sisters - u are not alone with this deadly emotion HATELA ILLAHA ILLA ANTA SUBHAANAKA INNI KUNTUM MINAZ ZALIMEEN.....