dil in distress

im married for a year now and its been most rewarding and difficult all at the same time. my husband comes from a home where feelings aren't expressed, where they know not love.nor compassion. my in laws naturally have always seen the worst in my husband. when we first met my husband was very calm,shy and reserved but as time went by all the bitterness and. anger he had concealed in his heart for years had been revealed. sadly, most of the time i had to bear the brunt of his anger. i make shukr that i have the ability to calm him down. and the more we express our thoughts and feelings, the more we understand each other,the.closer we become. my fil was always cold towards us both and he even beat my husband up a week before our wedding. my husband feels unloved.and he always says how he has never been hugged or kissed on the cheek by his parents. my in laws are wealthy Nd shukr have given their children the best, but any child who.has been neglected will know the feeling of desperately wanting their parents love. and so hs parents.asume that they have done their duty. my husband earns R5k a month for us both. shukr our home has been gifted to us by my in laws. the thing is now im pregnant and i need money for so many things. my husband apart from working in the family business has 2 other jobs which generates a small income now and then and this helps us to afdord the little luxuries eg. i can buy maternity clothing or medication,pay the domestic etc. a few months ago my husband and i had a terrible fight and he admitted he is under a lot of pressure because we need money for the baby and i dont have medical aid. i was scared and i thought that my marriage was going to. end. my mil sensed i was upset and asked me what was wrong. i was so emotional i literally broke down and told her everything. im not a demanding wife, nor am i spoilt. i buy what i can afford and being pregnant is costly in todays times. hence i was just as stressed and i understood my husbans frusration at the time. i think my mil felt sorry and gave my husband money and said him that from then onwards he will get paid more. she also told my husband that my fil will pay the hospital fee. it was such a relief for us. i had saved up money to pay for the gyne,ped,etc. a few weeks ago my husband came home crying n after begging him to.tell me whats wrong he told me everything his mother has ever said to him about me behind my back. she wants to know why i cant work amd what im doing at home in the day, why am i pregnant now and why couldnt we wait 2 years like all the other couples these days, what have my family given us and done for us and why must she pay.for the hospital fees. she says we only use her for her money and that we living the life. the rest is too hurtful to mention. i cried so much n i felt almost betrayed because i loved her like she was my own mother. she knew what hell i. went through with my hubby and i thought she cared about me. i feel so let down and depressed. i dont need her money as i never asked for it. knowing what she really thinks about me is so heart breaking. my husband keeps quiet because she screams and swears and saying anything in return will cause all hell to break loose. my mil has stopped all contact with me ever since she found out my husband told me everything. what hurts even more is that she talks about my husband and i openly to. his younger siblings and i have seen her rage too. she always tells every1 shes straightforward and isnt like other mils. they think my husband is obligated to them only (n not me too) and that we are ungrateful. its hard dealing with my husbands issues n its even harder to have to deal with my in laws issues. i just need to get this out. also, how do i get in my in laws good books??

Allah make it easy for you inshaAllah. please look after yourself during this time of pregnancy for the sake of the little one that is on the way.. be calm.
maybe what is best is to be good to your in laws for the pleasure of Allah and you will gain the reward inshaAllah. Best thing to do is occupy yourself with Dhikr to calm your emotions. Maybe also wake up for tahajud and ask Allah to grant you barakah in your health, wealth and happiness inshaAllah.

This is unfortunately such a common phenomenon in our communities. I also pray for Allah to make it easy for you. Firstly remember a child is a blessing from Allah SWT and you being pregnant now is a blessing despite what your mother in law says. Also psychologically, the baby can feel your emotions and will feel distressed by your hurt and anger. One of the most difficult things about being a mother is to learn to regulate your emotions so that your children aren't affected by them, as children are sensitive beings and with the beautiful and blessed bond between an infant and a mother, they sense your pain and anger. Also you not working to look after your children has many benefits in this world, and many more in the Hereafetr.

Regarding the question about your in laws' good books, remember that we cannot change other people's feelings. We can only change our reaction to them. So even the most dutiful and hardworking daughter in law will still be backbited about if her in laws are not ready to accept the love she offers them. Try and stop being affected by untruths about you, and remind yourself that you are fulfilling the duties Allah SWT asks of you which is most important.

I think your priority now should be looking after yourself during the pregnancy. Pregnancy is meant to be a joyous time and if you are worried and stressed it will have a negative effect on your child's psychological health. I know this sounds difficult but perhaps putting all your trust in Allah is the first step. Secondly, your husband is going to have to learn to deal with things in a more proactive manner. Both of you should show his parents utmost respect but at the same time, they cannot be allowed to treat you in a harmful and unIslamic manner.

Financial difficulties are extremely common in the first stage of marriage and part of the stress that comes with it is not enough prior planning and communication. Perhaps you two should sit down and draw up a budget. If you can talk about money in an open and honest manner, you can talk about everything else. Having a child comes with a lot of compromise and negotiation and perhaps drawing up this budget is a way for you and your husband to learn to communicate in this way.

Here are some Saheeh du'as to read to calm yourself down Insha Allah:
Anas, may Allah be pleased with him, narrated that the Prophet (Sallallahu Alaihi wa Sallam) said:ا"O Allah, there is no ease except in that which you have made easy and you make the difficult, if You wish, easy."

"Our Lord! Bestow on us from our wives and our offspring who will be the comfort of our eyes, and make us leaders for the Muttaqûn" (pious)" (Al-Furqan 25:74)

Reported by Abu Dawud in his Sunan that Abu Bakrah, may Allah be pleased with him, narrated that the Prophet (Sallallahu Alaihi wa Sallam) said: "The supplication for one's distress is: O Allah, it is Your Mercy that I hope for, so do not leave me in charge of my affairs even for a blink of an eye and rectify for me all of my affairs. None has the right to be worshipped except You."

The Prophet said, ‘Surah al Waqiah is the Surah of Wealth, so recite it and teach it to your children’[Ibn Asakir]

Allah make it easy for you.

Noorjehan Joosub (Ms)
Registered Counselling Psychologist
psychologistinpretoria@gmail.com

Dear poster,

i am sorry for your pain and grief. just want to say that i will think about u in my prayers...and may Allah swt make things easy for you and ur family inshAllah ameen.

your mother inlaw and father inlaw, are not used to showing love and affection as u say, thus they may have been brought up in homes themselves, where love and affection was not used often. this was usually the manner in which old people were brought up, or generations before our time.........it is no excuse for their behaviour however, because as adults, we must educate ourselves in the best possible means of communication and ways towards our family and people we come into contact with. but them not being shown affection, shows alot about their perception on life, and their viewpoint on monetary and family issues.

thus i feel you should try not to let them affect u as hard as it may be. can just make dua all the time for the best outcome InshAllah ameen.

parents need to learn to speak decently to their kids, esp when they are grown up and married, because a new daughter is now a family member (daughter inlaw)........that is someone elses daughter and treasure, that is now in your home, so extra effort should be made to make her feel special and loved and at home.....

may u experience that love and respect soon from your inlaws inshAllah ameen.

i think social skills is a big issue that our muslim indian community lack. we dont know how to welcome guests into our home, dont know how to speak to others with respect......everything is about our own rights, and our own demands these days. if someone tries to teach our child something when they misbehave, the mother intervenes covering up for the child..........all these things add up to bad behaviour being inbedded in the person, and forcing others to be "tolerant" towards them and their issues.
this is wrong in islam, each person must be considerate towards the next, and maybe then we will become a better society.....

may Allahs mercy descend upon u and your family dear sister. you are not in the wrong here......simply being misunderstood by your inlaws.....just continue to be respectful towards them as u have always been. maybe they will see the light and learn from you goodness, to become better people. inshAllah ameen.

Allah is the provider.........and he will provide :-) ameen.

I am deeply saddened to hear wat u goin thru. First couple years of marriage is hard, n I too had financial difficulties. U mentioned your husband works in a family business. From experience I learned that once u work for family, they think they own u. There's more barakaah in doin your own thing. Dunno if his educated but perhaps he should look into studyin something. Get a bursary or get into a bank. There's opportunities out there to grow urselves. Become independent of ur in laws. U too can start something from home. Jus play around for ideas. Studyin now won't b easy wit a child, but there's lots of people who struggled thru it n paved there way. Lots of dua n lots of hard work n Allah opens doors

Aslkmwlkm sister :)
Its sad that you'r in this situation. May Allah ease your hardships, make it all worthwhile and reward you abundantly inshAllah.
Maaf, im just 19 and unmarried so i doubt i'd be good at giving u much advice regarding in laws ;)
Just wanted to say that after reading your post, apart from feeling your pain, i was in awe at the way you've handled things so far, mashallah, so far i think you've delt with things in a really wonderful way. Definately says a lot about your character and personality.
May Allah keep you and your husband close to each other as well as to Him, may the new baba bring you nothing but the best and may He/she fill yours, ur in laws and ur familys home with immense love, contentment and happiness,
No matter how horrible things may get, before reacting always remember to be the better person in Allahs eyes, that way...Allah will always be right at your side regardless of who iznt.
Anyways, sometimes the best one can do is make duaa and wait for Allah to turn things around.
As they say, theres always light at the end of the tunnel, it wont be this way forever and 1 day inshAllah, we'll wait for you to share the good outcome with us ;)

Hugs and Duas

Jazaakallah to all you wonderful ladies for the valuable advice, and words of encouragement. it means so much to me.

I now have hope and i believe that with patience, perseverance and faith in Allah we all shall unite as a family oneday.
Insha Allah.
Ameen.

Hope allaha is watching you in your every difficulty and he would bless you...