Searching for intimacy

I married my husband because he ticked all the boxes was looking for. My istikharah was positive. He is a good husband and does his best. My problem, I never felt that bollywood feeling that Amitabh and Rekha, Shah Rukh Khan and Kajol . For those who don't know who they are maybe the Halime Ertugrul Chemistry. I am sure most arranged marriages have similar issue. Maybe I am just hopeless romantic and my expectations are a fairy tale.
I have never felt attracted to my husband in that way. Our intimacy is suffering.
I am married for many years. We have children. He tries his best but I am not satisfied most of the time.
Intimacy is a huge chore. Our problem stems were are not emotionally intimate with each other. We lack communication with each other. We always end up arguing. My husband always seems busy with his work, his education, his hobbies and gives all this his full attention.

I am feeling very lonely in my marriage, bored and not satisfied. I always hear that the spark dies eventually. Can the spark even be lit in the first place if there is no spark at all?

Dear Searcher, I am married for 22 years. I met my husband for the first time 3 months before our marriage, and my family member met him for the first time at our engagement. He ticked all my family's boxes, and I desperately wanted to get out of their lives, so I married him. We have so much in common and even more at odds with each other. We have fought in the most vicious of manners, and it is only Allah that has given love between us. "And of His signs is that He created for you from yourselves mates that you may find tranquility in them; and He placed between you affection and mercy" (Surah Rum). If you want Bollywood, you will have to create it. It may be hit or miss, because you can't be certain of how he will react. Dress up for him, plan a meal or weekend away with only the two of you... or let him get some alone time. Both of you have needs and wants, but it may not be easy to realise or create ideal situations.

Read the five love languages book by Gary Chapman. The spark never dies, it gets lost. This will help you realise the spark is not a fairytale, it's the real thing, the real love and intimacy you looking for.

By him emersing himself in other activities is a coping mechanism for his own unsatisfaction in the marriage. He needs exactly what you are craving but probably not in the same way as you.

Dear seeker,
I hope you find your spark inshaAllah.
Go back and find out why you married in the first place. Emotions seem to come and go and marriage is not about the butterfly feelings. this fades away and we need to be committed as they say in good and bad..
What is your intention of being married. Ultimately how is your marriage serving to please Allah.

Maybe sister Haleh Banani's 5 pillars of marriage course can assist in someway to rekindle your marriage. Also finding your love language as discussed above might be a good start.



https://halehbanani.com/



All the best