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  • 30-06-2012, 10:02 PM

    Insanity...time for change.

    Insanity = Doing or allowing the same thing to be done over and over again and expecting different results. If your husband is changing his ways, it won't happen in a vacuum. If and when he breaks up with the flavor of the week it does not mean that he will all of a sudden be "fixed". The lifestyle that he has CHOSEN is not one that you should have to put up with regardless of your dire financial situation ESPECIALLY since it now known that not only is he capable of cheating on you but ALSO becoming both physically and mentally abusive to you. Your children are learning that when a women is abused, if the women does not take immediate actions to remove herself from that situation, that it is ok to be abusive towards women. That is a lesson that will be VERY hard to unlearn later in life for both your son and daughters. Find safety amongst friends....if not friends, relatives....if not relatives, strangers but find safety for you and your children and begin the process of healing the deep wounds that you and your children are suffering....your children deserve that and you do too. We all make mistakes but that does not mean we need to subject ourselves to continuous abuse or punishment. You are on a very hard journey and I pray that you find the best path for you and your children.

    BTW, I am a father to an 18 month old daughter and pray to God that my wife and I instill in her that no matter what the situation, even if she can't come to us, that she values herself enough to make sure that she is safe and secure and Insh'Allah prosperous in whatever she does in life and with whomever she does it with.
  • 28-06-2012, 06:12 PM

    hold on survivor

    Firstly stop digging my dear sister,the more
    You question the more u will find and it would
    Just hurt u futher,talking from experince
    Don't give that s+*t the advantage of driving u insane
    Your better than that,what u have with ur husband
    Is halaal which allah will protect,wats she has
    Wit him is just lust ntn solid u have ntn 2 fear
    Show him the good wonderful women u r dnt reject him
    N push him aside he will see n guilt will hit him
    If u moan,nag n keep picking on oda women u
    Will lose ur husband.please sister don't let go
    Please fyt this evil with good.u r n my dua's
    N I fill your pain
  • 08-06-2012, 08:30 AM
    Sasha Storm Arnold
    Asalamu Alaykum, this is a sad situation indeed, I commend the previous response, as you have offered valuable advice, but I would like to suggest that you try to save your relationship first and maybe go for counselling or get an Imam involved or his parents...I don't think that 9 years should be lost just like that, I am not condoning your husbands behaviour it is unacceptable on any level, and being muslim we should understand fully the consequenses of adultry. regarding the children...if I am wrong forgive me, but the kids will be taken by the father once they have reached a certain age, in the case of a Talaak...
  • 08-06-2012, 08:28 AM
    Survivor responds
    Thank you for your advice thus far.Its been nearly two months since I had last posted on here and just as predicted,my life can now be described as being that of a fully fledged 'nightmare',courtesy of my husband of course!
    Back then,he used to come home in the wee hours of the morning after having 'been' with his whore,these days he doesn't come home at all!The latter has been occurring over the last 3 weeks or so after we got into yet another major fight though this time to the point of one of my twin boys phoning my father in-law on speed dial from one of the bedrooms upstairs whilst this was all going on downstairs,crying and saying 'mummy and daddy are screaming and fighting and he doesn't know what to do'.My father-inlaw together with my mother in-law rushed over to our house,we didn't know a thing until we heard the hooter and the subsequent beep that followed on the intercom,my husband looked through the window and could see that his parents were outside the gates but he refused to let them in.The boys were still upstairs and my husband proceeded to walk on over to me,pulled my hair and pushed me up against the wall with such force and began swearing whilst attempting to reduce me to 'nothing' emotionally in the process.It was at that moment that both of my sons ran downstairs crying hysterically which prompted my husband to suddenly stop (mind you,my neighbour had even attempted ringing me on my cell to find out what's going on as she was familiar with my father-inlaw's vehicle and wondered just why they were waiting so long outside the gates).He then took his car keys,opened the gates and just as his parents were driving in,got into his car and sped off past them(now I'm sure that pretty much gave the situation that had ensued away to the 'concerned' neighbour who lives directly opposite us).
    My in-laws up until that point were very much aware of the fact that their beloved son has been banging another woman but at that particular moment,they had realized just how serious this has become.Though let me be frank,I don't expect much from my in-laws,after all it is THEIR son and so,it makes the situation difficult on their part.My mother in-law is understanding towards me during this time of need and says that she will try to 'instill' some much needed sense into my husband whereas my father in-law is borderline 'oblivious' which is shocking but not unexpected.My family on the other hand,have not been informed in any capacity of what is going on in my life just yet.
    I never got down to explaining the reason for that particular fight having ensued,I guess its because I feel embarrassed and unbelievably stupid on my part for having even given in,I should have known better,I really should have!The day before,my husband came home around 8:30 pm (much earlier than his 'usual' schedule of the day)and for a change,was actually pleasant and acting like the man I once knew,I thought he is on the path to changing and must have come to his senses as that was the first time in god knows how long that he was actually behaving in an appropriate manner and I thought that I should perhaps give him the benefit of the doubt,more so for the sake of our children.The evening went well and I felt some degree of happiness as we spent time with the boys and put our little girl to sleep (we were a "family" for once!) and thereafter,I went in to our bedroom (he'd been sleeping in another bedroom ever since),he followed and whatever unfolded from thereon can only be summed up as me having given in to his overt advances.Fast forward,we got into an argument which escalated into the so-called 'fight' the following day as he told me that I shouldn't get my 'hopes up high' after what happened the previous night because to him,it was 'meaningless f*****g' (his words verbatim).
    Now if you were in my situation,just how would you react to that blatant statement?I felt like s**t when I heard him utter those words and not to mention the immense amount of guilt due to the reason that I did enjoy it not forgetting that was the first time in months that we had slept together.If my life couldn't possibly get any more pathetic,I have every inclination to believe that he has been in the process of hiding his assets over the last few months.Also,as much as I would love to reclaim my much needed 'independence',my youngest is still a baby.Who would I leave her with?My domestic is just suited to her job description and nothing else.My in-laws are a no go zone for the most part and well,my family live over 4 thousand miles away.Let me not even get started about where my husband is concerned regarding that situation as for all I know,he will try to turn me into this 'good for nothing' who isn't worthy of having children if she can't take care of them.His 'mentality',not mine.
    I've never been as overcome with loneliness as I am now....
  • 08-06-2012, 08:27 AM
    Babushka says -
    The advice that "someone" gave u is the best advice I wuldve given to you too.
  • 08-06-2012, 08:26 AM
    Message from someone - dear survivor. I commend ur strength for being able to write this and ask for help. You have obviously been through a really tough time but if you could get through all of this you can certainly get through what lies ahead.1stly as far as I know if u have an anc contract with accrual then you are liable to claim from your husband whatever has been accrued since marriage. If not, then whatever is his is his. Maybe start by finding this out.2nd your husband is not remorseful which means that if u continue to live with him, he will not change his ways. He is used to having more than one woman in his life and thinks nothing wrong of it. Chances are he may also want to be "free" to continue in these doings and is trying to push u away so u will leave him. He is a coward who wants u to do his dirty work by leaving him. I suggest you get a legal representative involved. Find out what ur legal rights are if u decide to leave him and how he will be liable to pay for maintenance if u move back to lebanon. From thr u can decide how to work out the legal aspect of things.As for your relationship, I wud suggest asking him straight out if he wants to leave u or wants u to leave him. Ask hin what his intentions are and how the 2 of u can resolve things. I know its not as easy as it sounds but he needs to be clear with u.Honestly thr is no relationship left, ur chldren will no doubt be affected being in such a household whr their parents r no longer communicating effectively and u staying with him means u will jus be living unhaPpily and hurting urself in the end. He is taking advantage of the situation. U seem like an intelligent lady who once had a career and cud look after herself. U can still do it without ur husband and I think u shud! U only have 1 life, u can save urself from a life of such abuse and make a happy home for urself and ur children. It is very rare with a dad like this that the father will get custody of the children so don't despair. I wish u all the luck and will keep u in my prayers.
  • 08-06-2012, 08:25 AM

    Cheating Husband

    From Survivor - Slm nanima please help,my husband and I will be married for 9 years this September,we have twin boys aged 7 and a daughter who is 15 months old.After the boys,we knew we had always wanted more but this was soon met with difficulties along the way as I had suffered 2 miscarriages.Finally after nearly 6 years of trying and endless tears,I finally fell pregnant and carried the baby to full term.One would think that after all my husband and I had been through as a couple,the arrival of our 'miracle' baby would've brought us closer than ever.How wrong I was!Around the 7th month of my pregnancy,I had begun to take notice of the fact that my husband was increasingly spending long hours at work but I quickly brushed it off as I knew that he had major projects that he and his team were working on and didn't ponder any further.A few weeks after I had given birth and everything appeared to be 'perfect',the house of cards began to slowly tumble.One of my husband's employees finally admitted to me after much probing following a 'hint' on her part,that he had been indeed spending those long hours at work but not with his team,rather the new girl on the block,the trainee QS who was working under him.After confronting him some days later (I was waiting for the right moment to do it),is when I began to see his true colours,he was not apologetic in the slightest and quite frankly,didn't appear to regret his actions at all!Since that day,my life has changed forever,he is definitely not the man that I madly fell in love with a decade ago.This girl who he's been openly banging since before I even found out,is 12 years younger than him,he's 36 and she is 24.She has taken full advantage of her 'whoring' ways and using my husband and vice versa.We no longer even sleep in the same bed and not a day goes by where we don't get into a heated argument (even over the smallest of things),in fact I don't think a day would go by if we don't.The situation has reached such dire straits,that he had recently threatened to take the kids away for good and assured me that I will never see them again if I ever contemplate 'kidnapping' and taking them to Lebanon (which is where I'm originally from)continuing to add that he made me what I am today and without him,I'm a hopeless b***h (his words verbatim).Might I add that he is going out of his way to make my life a living hell and essentially push me over the edge so that in the hopes I would eventually 'crack' and contemplate going back to my parents who happen to reside thousands of kilometers away.The paradox is that I live in a fancy house surrounded by beautiful things yet I don't have a cent to my name.I stopped working as a flight attendant when we married (in ANC)and he has been the sole financial provider for our family ever since,essentially calling all the shots.Lastly,I have been led to believe that he may have been cheating on me with other women due to a recent conversation with one of his friends' wives,she too has 'aided' in helping my husband leading his adulterer lifestyle by means of keeping his affairs under 'wrap'.As usual,I am always the last to find out about his philandering ways!Right now,the odds are stacked against me,I don't know what to do or where to go from here hence I would greatly appreciate any advice.

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