View Full Version : Parents or BF

In need of advice
01-08-2012, 02:14 PM
Slmz, i have been dating someone for 4 years but my famly does not approve of him as he is divorced and has a kid. he is really a decent person and he makes me happy. He is 6 years older than me and wehave a good understanding. But my family feel like he is too controlling and dictates to me as to who to speak to and what to do. i am not allowed to be on fb with guys that liked me before and i understand that. I am gnna be 28 soon and i really want to settle down. He told me to choose between my family and him but i cannot disrespect my family and turn away from them esp since i know how hard it was for them to grow me up and give me a sound education. My family is also worried about society and how ppl willl look down on them esp the "family". i cant go on like this anymore and need to make a choice.please advise...

01-08-2012, 07:12 PM
Slms, read istikhara salaah and ask allah to guide you.when a guy has a child from another women always remember that she is still the mother of his child. It is very challenging bringing up another persons child. And wen u hav ur own how will it reflect on your relationship with his first child. Before marriage guys promise you the world but do they deliver. Are parents concern for you truthful or is it jus for name sake? Consider all before making your decision, marriage is forever.

02-08-2012, 08:35 AM
If he is making you choose between him and your family, then you need to ask yourself if he really cares about your wellbeing and your happiness? At the end of the day, your family are the ones who raised you and supported you. They are a part of you. No matter what, your family will be the ones to love you, care for you and always be there for you. Don't turn your back on them. He needs to be able to accept you with your family and iA your family can accept him too. Even if they are concerned about what society will think, part of their concern will be for your own wellbeing as well. Marriage is not easy and with a child and an ex wife, it'll only make things harder, esp if he's asking you to choose. Think about this hard and make dua for Allah to guide you to the right decision. May Allah make it easy for you.

02-08-2012, 01:12 PM
He's given you an ultimatum - choose between me or your family. That's never a good sign, and is a clear sign that he has control issues. I would never want anyone to leave me with such a choice. They need to accept me, AND my family, and if they want things to work, they have to find a way to MAKE it work. Not give an ultimatum.

I say run, and don't look back. Take the advice of your family, they have decades of experience, know you and your personality since you were little - they know what is best for you.

In the beginning when you are still dating, it's all well and good, all lovey dovey. But reality will hit year hard 1 year down the line, when you have to REALLY start dealing with each other. And this is what I usually say to first time married people. You want to marry a guy with huge baggage. You're going to be in for it.

And most importantly, make Istikharah, and Mashawarrah with your family. Don't go out and make this decision on your own.

02-08-2012, 01:13 PM
Slmz,please please make lots of dua and ask Allah to guide you,don't choose a spouse over your parents,listen to them take their blessings if his asking you to choose he can't be a very good guy,make dua Allah sends someone for u inshallah.

02-08-2012, 01:22 PM
1 thing u shud remember sister is that a man is totally different after living togethr and you may not see it now but at some stage u r going to hav issues with his child, esp when it comes to the childs disapline. Besides the child.. Hw dare he ask 4u to choose between him and your parents? If he respects u he should respect your parents! And if u marry him n wen d honeymoon is over which believe me happens qwickly, u will feel very hurt about wat u did to ur parents! Our parents love us and want the best 4 us.. At the end its up to u bt if u choose him u cud hav a lot of regrets becoz he comes with baggage and an ex wife who cud also cause problems.

02-08-2012, 01:34 PM
Ask a close friend of yours what they think of your relationship. You may think it's fine now if he is a little controlling but it may get worse. He has a child from another woman, he will obviously still speak to her, why are you then prohibited from speaking to guys who you have a history with? It should not be "you are not allowed", only your parents should tell you what you are "not allowed" to do. If it upsets him, you can choose not to, or you can show him all your msgs. He should not make you choose between your family and him. Do you have the same rights over him? Things need to work both ways.
I know you love him, and sometimes that makes you ignore things you normally would not. Do you really know this person well? Are you prepared to look after his child with another woman and all that comes with it? Children are difficult, esp if they think one parent is "replacing" the other with somebody else.
Even if you are sure, 100% sure with no doubts, that you found the right man, wait before you get married. Take a break from the relationship, a week, and think it thru. Good luck.

02-08-2012, 01:44 PM
Sister, please don't make a rash decision because u feel pressure that u r 28 (not old in my opinion) and want to settle or because u won't find some1 else or wotever. Take it from me, your family is your own no matter what! I know, husbands/men come into our lives and we have to move on and start our own families...but without having ur parents support marriage is tougher. No relationship is perfect and without stress-add a kid and ex-wife u have more than some. Not to say you can't deal with it. That being said, you cannot let him make you choose between ur family or him-its not fair to you at all. Getting married means joining families not breaking them.

02-08-2012, 02:27 PM
WoW, Alarm bells should be blazing at this point, when a person places you in a position to choose between your family and them, they cannot be good for you. The question I have is this, Why was he divorced from his previous relationship? A relationship is not about control, but more of mutual respect. Personally I would not continue with this relationship, as it sounds hazadous. I know you feel that you have invested so many years into this relationship, there is no turning back...trust me, it is not too late. If you would, turn the tables on him and ask him to choose between his child and you and watch how defensive he will become, in the same way you cannot even consider his request. It goes against all that is islam. Put what society will think of your family aside, and just hear what your family are advising. From what you say of them I take it they are wonderful people and only have your best interest at heart, Im sure they are not out to sabotage you in any way. I will always choose my family over anybody else they are the one constant in your life. But turn to Allah and read Istikharah and take it from there... MAy Allah grant you the ability to decide wisely...Ameen

02-08-2012, 02:40 PM
From personal experience read your Istikhara and see from there. However for him to ask you to chose between your family and him shows that he is possessive and doesn't really care for you, it is always hard to go back to your family once you have pushed them away. Remember also that your parents raised you, they know you better and only want what's best for you. I have learnt that no boy or man can give you comfort like your family and that its soo important to have family in your life, because no matter what you can always count on them.

03-08-2012, 11:46 AM
Ws, thanks for all the responses, i just feel so confused coz he says i am making the biggest mistake of my life, that he is the cream of the crop and his ex is regretting her decision atm. They are divorced now for 6 years but she is mature and even though she does try to interfere, he tells her where to get off!!! My frewns hate him and keep telling me they dont understand why i cant see it especially since he has hurt me soo many times. i know he hurt me coz of frustration of not moving foward and anyone would feel the same... he tells me he cant live without me and i cant give in afetr so long... i am just caught inbetween, in time this too shall pass, i just need to be strong and tell him to move on.