Results 1 to 9 of 9

Thread: abusive marriage

  1. #1
    Unregistered
    Guest

    abusive marriage

    I'm married for a few years n hav a 1 year old child. For many years my husband has been emotionally and physically abusive. The abuse has not stopped, I still get beaten and sworn at. He actually taunts me n calls me names. It gets worse by pressure from his mother to do things which is sometimes not possible. I'm now so lost, I can't go to anyone because I'm tired of stressing them out (iv tried before). I don't wana end this abusive relationship because we hav a child and I do love him. But I cannot take the abuse anymore. It hurts. Please help

  2. #2
    Unregistered
    Guest

    leave him

    Sister, I feel your pain. However, he will not change and you need to leave him. My husband had a father like that, his mother also didn't leave for a long time. As a child he saw and heard so many terrible things that still affect him. His younger brother is fine, he didn't witness anything because they were already divorced. If you dont want to leave for yourself, do it for your child.

  3. #3
    Unregistered
    Guest
    Slmz or good day..
    I am an 18 year old daughter, currently doing matric.. My mother has been married to my father for just over 20yearz,, he has been abusive in all forms all my life..
    I can tell you, that im the eldst with two younger siblings & my mother also loves my father very much.
    Its not good for your child, yes you feel you doing it for your love and child, but when your child has grown up seeing all of this and becomes older, there is going to be alot of hate and frustration. Allah does not permit a husbands abuse in any form..
    If you have family to stand by you, please get out of the relationship, for me as a childs perspective, i believe that it is the right thing to do.
    You rather seperate on good termz , then carry on acepting it and create hate..
    May Allah make it easy for you and your child and for all oppresed women

  4. #4
    Junior Member
    Join Date
    Jul 2012
    Posts
    4
    From an Islamic and moral point of view, there is no justification of such physical abuse from your husband's side. However as sinister as such physical abuse is, there is always an emotional component. Your husband taunting you and calling you names goes completely against the Prophet SAW's Sunnah, as the Pophet SAW said, "the best of you is the best to their wives". Abuse is complex, however even with your having perhaps financial and physical power over you, you always have the choice of whether you want to stay or not. Both options have positives and negatives and there is no right or wrong decision, just the decision that works best for you. Perhaps you need to evaluate your life choices and ponder on what are your goals and ideals for your life? Based on the sentence: "I don't wana end this abusive relationship because we hav a child and I do love him" it seems like you are willing to tolerate the abuse and any harmful effects it may have on your child. This is your personal decision that no one can judge you for. However I would like you to reflect on what is motivating you to love him and want to stay with him. Research has shown that abusive relationships have more harm than benefit for children so this cannot be based on your child, you will need to search within yourself for what is making you stay? How would your life be without this person? Would a temporary separation make him change his ways? Is he going to continue be abusive for the next 50 years? Would he start abusing your child? Before this relationship, what did you believe were the foundations of a wholesome, healthy and good relationship? There is nothing wrong with you loving your husband, in fact it is very normal and natural for you to love him. Sometimes love can be destructive and I would like you to consider your own Islamic and humanitarian responsibility to yourself.

    I'd also like you to read the following article before making a decision on how you would like to deal with this situation. Remember there is no right or wrong in this situation, but you will need to be strong and evaluate your own emotions, needs and fears before making a decision: http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/...t-relationship.

    May Allah SWT grant you strength and Sabr.

    Ma'as Salaam
    Noorjehan Joosub (Ms)
    Registered Counselling Psychologist
    Email: psychologistinpretoria@gmail.com

  5. #5
    و عليكم السلام و رحمة الله

    A different approach and that is ---->

    Why is there abuse in the marriage in the 1st place, what's the reason for him been abusive towards you. I'm not for a moment justifying his abuse but rationally speaking I can't understand why would a person in his right mind ever lift his hands on his spouse for no reason. So maybe perhaps (only you will know best) due to some reasons on your side he is reacting in this manner.

    So try and iron out those reasons and work towards avoiding them.

    I share with you some basic tips to help you get back on track inshallah.

    1. Try and create a homely and loving environment in the home make one another feel comfortable.
    2.Express positive feelings, tell him how much you love him.
    3.Cook his favorite meal
    4.Go out for walks
    5.Give charity
    6.Draw the divine assistance of Allah in your marriage ask Allah to grant love in your marriage.
    7.Commitment from both sides
    8.Give some breathing space,don't argue or quarrel, avoid making things that are not an issue a issue

    Remember every marriage goes through some turbulence in life its not the mistakes that should become the issue but rather how we deal and approach them should be the criterion

    Never lose hope in your spouse. Many marriages with grace of Allah have survived the rocks and I'm sure Allah will also assist you in your plight Aameen.

    So 1st try and work on the marriage before considering braking up also a good approach will be to get in contact with the local Scholar of the community who could give counseling and do follow ups

    ML.Habib Bobat

  6. #6
    Administrator Nanima's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2012
    Posts
    8,585
    Moulana Habib jzk for your advise. I see your point but I am not fully convinced regarding this. Every action has a reaction. But this person can't be on her tip toes her whole life wondering when this man is going to explode. although marriages goes through tests, there should be zero tolerance to especially physical abuse. nothing anyone can do can lead to this. the man obviously needs to learn to control his anger and temper.

    personally i wish we could start a Gulabi gang like in India. They are group of woman activist in pink saris. Gulabis visit abusive husbands and beat them up with laathis (bamboo sticks) unless they stop abusing their wives...http://www.gulabigang.in/

    these guyz that hit their wives need a good hiding and public humiliation, then they will learn a good lesson. do they forget that one day they will meet the Lord of this woman who they are using as a punching bag?

    I really don't know what choices you have. but please respect yourself and do not tolerate being abused. If you want to stay make it clear that you will not tolerate any form of abuse for the sake of your children. You can't let your kids live in such hostile environment. in Islam we are told to prevent harm before we attain good. Abusive relationships will scar the children more than it will be any benefit to them.

    Allah make it easy... both may need to go for counselling and try and resolve issues, get both of you the necessary help to try and make this work. if after all effort but I think give him an ultimatum if it carries on like this than rather leave for your own sanity and well being and the well being of your kids..

  7. #7
    Unregistered
    Guest

    abuse

    Its not that abused women ask to be abused, these men take out their anger on us. They don't know how to deal with it so they punch. They don't care how they hurt u, whether u expecting or not they just lash out..... No woman wants to b abused in any way, all she asks for is love n a man who is her pillar of strength when necessary.

  8. #8
    Unregistered
    Guest

    Get out and get out soon

    I find it very worrying when a Moulana, someone who should know better, would say that maybe its a her fault. How can anyone justify beating up on your wife except if she is not fulfilling her duties to Allah.
    Also by his behaviour he is teaching his sons that this is the way to treat women and teaching his daughters that this is the way to be treated.
    As to the lady who posted, you owe it to yourself and your children to get out. You cant be a pillar or joy and strength for your kids if you can't do it for yourself first.

  9. #9
    Unregistered
    Guest
    when it comes to physical abuse there is usually nothing that the woman herself is doing to cause the abuse. these things usually stem from childhood traumas experienced by the male spouse that he has never dealt with most likely because he was not able to. most of the women that stay, usually stay because of community pressure, their ideals and dreams of the perfect marriage, their religious views on marriage e.g. I as a wife should make sabr and dua and things will come right, but at the crux of it all she stays because she has a low self esteem, she cannot imagine a life without him, the thought of being divorced is to her more painful than staying.

    With all due respect Moulana if this guy is not willing to get help, be it from a religious scholar who has experience in social work or psychology or from a non-religious scholar then he will never change. I made the move and I got out, how? The next time he threatened to hit me (after I had been black and blue once) I called the cops. He swallowed his bile and moved out of my place. I am expecting my first child, his fourth and if he is not at the birth of this child then I will ask for my final talaaq - which I know he will give because its a easy way out and I will not place him on the birth certificate. I will be one a new generation of single muslim female parents - the sad result of people ignoring abuse for too long.

    Sister something I must remind you of is that your purpose in this world is to worship AlMight Allah, NOT to be beaten to a pulp or to the point where you have alzheimers, parkinson or are just retarded from the abuse. And the worst thing that could happen is your children would go on to become the abused or the abuser.

    If he is not willing to get help where both of your issues are addressed than he is not worth it. Sometimes divorce is a freedom from oppression. It is MOST DISLIKED but ALLAH allowed its existence.

    Insha Allah you will find your direction.

Facebook Comments

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •