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Thread: giving up on marriage

  1. #1

    giving up on marriage

    My marriage is failing, and i don't know what to do. I am married 5 years and we have 1 child. It has never been a stable relationship, but we have tried and held on. All i have memories of are fights and feeling hurt. I have so much of anger in me, I hate being married.

    I have tried speaking to my husband, but nothing changes. He promises that things will get better, he pacifies me with no intention of actually making changes. So long as I am doing my part, he is happy and treats me fine, but if i have a problem or if I ask him to fulfill his side of the agreement, he gets angry. and stays angry. We fight. he says its because we fight that he doesn't treat me well. I say its because he doesn't treat me well that we fight. I have tried to break the cycle, but is it fair? Is it fair to just have to always keep quiet, to not have any help from him, to do what he wants and live how he wants, to give in for everything and to never ask him or approach him if theres a need or problem. I must just keep quiet. If we do fight, i am reminded about all the things iv done wrong (it takes 2 to tango, but all his blame is on me), Its like I'm being punished for the rocky start we had. All i ask is he speaks to me with compassion, is affectionate and listens when i have an issue. I ask that he just calls me or msgs me in the day, and that he makes a little time for romance and us as a couple. these are basic needs as a wife but he says its too much. Im at my wits end. Im tired of being made felt worthless and deserving of the treatment I'm receiving. I want a divorce, but i am scared of what it would do to my child, and i have no where to go. I have tried everything but I cannot be the only one interested in saving the relationship.You can only take the horse to the water, you can't make it drink.

    please advise, i can feel myself slowly slipping back into a depression. I don't want to, and I'm trying my best to keep my head above water. I have been depressed before (and I think this is what he has held onto) where i was very suicidal. I don't want to go back there. what can i do? I have no one to speak to.

  2. #2
    Islamic care line

  3. #3
    You are married for 5 years, you should be used to not getting calls and msgs and not being romanced. Marriage is not a bed a roses. your husband is probably busy at work and has no time to call you, life is hectic and busy. I am sure he doesn't intentionally avoid calling and messaging you. also life is not easy on your own esp with a child. think about what you have and not about what you want and be grateful. always look at people that are worse off than you are. it puts things into perspective.

    maybe you should get a hobby or a job so that you can keep busy and don't dwell on the small things. when i first got married i stayed at home and used to feel sorry for myself n cry for small things, like if my husband watches tv or a movie and ignores me. but after i got a job i am much happier and understand his side also, i also just want to relax after a long day. you dont have to have big gestures to be romantic. take the love language test, I have taken it but gave up on my husband taking it. he thinks its dumb, but it still helped me understand a few things. http://www.5lovelanguages.com/assessments/love/

  4. #4

    never give up hope

    wslmz dear sister,

    i feel sad to read your story. but u must not give up hope. and do not feel u are the only one in ur situation. there are many! so do not think other couples lives are rosy and only urs is on the rocks.

    i know that what i am going to tell u, u have probably already done.

    but wake up for tahajjud, and ask Allah swt to guide u into improving your situation. and into guiding you into making the right decsion as u are at a cross roads and only Allah knows what is best for you and can help u!

    mufti menk has some chapters on marriage. maybe google his website or page on facebook and see if he has them loaded on there or ask him to email it to u. then, maybe read a peice everyday to your husband.....some points on the husbands role in the marriage,and some inspiring points to the wifes role in a marriage..maybe that will get him to see things from a different perspective, and understand u better.....and hopefully inshAllah change his attitude in communicating with u in this marriage.

    dua is always the best weapon.

    note down on paper when u are alone and have time to reflect, on all the good things he does, and all the negatives, and then weigh the pros and cons. none of us are perfect, and some of us have a lot of pride......in terms of admitting we are wrong and changing for the better.

    i am sure your husband loves you, but does not know how to show it. alot of the way people express their emotions and dealing with them, or communicating with their spouses, has to do with the ways in which they were raized and culture.

    some people are overly expressive, but some are not at all, because they feel shy or sometimes its just out of respect. or rather their view on it.......

    get the kitaab "keys to the treasures of jannah" there are beautiful duas in there for prevention of depression and calamaties.

    do not despair *hugs*

  5. #5

    giving up on marriage

    Slmz I feel for u my dear. I was in a 6 year marriage with a seapartion of eoight months when my first born was just over a yer. Than got back went for councilling tried got another two innocent kidz. But living with someone who does not care, or sms or even pay for necessities started eating me up. I pleaded n begged for out of this kind of life as I could not go on. I am now in iddat. However I do not regret n yes I do feel for da kidz but still allow the dad to b wid them but not wid me. U r not alone there is many more worse off cases if u loisten to others problems urs is nothing compared to someone elses. I don't c a reason for any woman to go to the extremes. N u definately not alone. Hope this will help if u need to talk let me know k

  6. #6

    Red face

    Wow, you are describing my life, i am also married for 5 years and have 1 child. Same story with me, i have spoken to him so many times and all i get is empty promises and no effort. Sometimes i got to a breaking point and i just start blowing off steam and he will just sit there and stare at something, no response from him, making me more mad then ever!! I wanted to leave so many times but have no where to go and its not that easy to pack up and leave when you have a small child.

    I gave up my career and move to another city for him when i got married. So now i have no money or no job to even start over. I cant just leave my child with strangers to go look for a job as i have no family here. My child is so attach to him that it will be inhuman to take her away from him and i dont want my child to suffer because he cant get his priorities straight.

    He is a good father and a good provider, but love and affection dont exist in our lives.We been married for 5 years and i can count the number of times we have been intimate on one hand and there will still be fingers left. I cant even remember the last time he even touched my hand. I crave so much for for his love and attention and i use to cry myself to sleep so many times. The only thing his interested in is work, when he comes from work he will sit on his bbm and chat to colleagues on what is happening in the company. Weekends or when his off he sleeps whole day and only take me to a close by mall to do some shopping and thats it. Thats the only time me and my child gets out of the flat. I feel like a prisoner as i have been in this new city for 5 years and still dont know the place.
    Sometimes i need to beg him to take the little one to the park or the beach just so that she can get out of the flat.

    I have totally given up on my marriage as i know nothing will change but i have never given up on my life . Right now I exist to raise my child. So you not alone, i am sure there is many of us around but have no one to talk to. So before you get to depress and contemplate suicide, PLEASE THINK OF YOUR CHILD!!! You might not get all the love and happiness that you deserve from him, but there is someone in your life that needs your love, guidance, care and attention..............and that is your child!!!! Dont deprive your child of a mother by being depressed, hold your head up high and be the best woman and mother you can be!!!

    Dont let a man make or break you. Concentrate on other aspects of your life and live life one day at a time. Dont wake up in the morning and think about your sorrow, be greatfull that Allah has spare you another day to be with your child and make the most of it and use the day to empower yourself so that you can be a happy and strong woman without the influence of a man. Even though we dont notice it our lives changes day by day, we get stronger and more wiser and Allah gives us the strenght to deal with things. Just hang in there and be happy about the smallest of blessing Allah has bestowed upon us. But most importantly dont ever give up on life, make lots of dua and ask Allah to be with you and guide you. Surely Allah had given us life and only he can take it from us...................SO NO MORE SUICIDAL THOUGHTS OR I WILL COME SORT YOU OUT MYSELF...........LOL

    You still have lots to look forward to, and you child needs you every step of the way, oneday he\she will go to school, graduate from college, get married and have children....etc. I am sure you want to be there!!!! I am sure that oneday your child will see you as a happy, loving and caring mother and not a sad and depressed and unhappy person.

    So be a BITCH!!! Babe In Total Control Of Herself!!!
    Take care, may Allah make it easy for you and me and everyone else like us!!! Insa- allah
    Sabr for now, things will get better and remember your happiness dont depends on just your husband!!!

  7. #7
    Make Istikhara namaaz and ask Allah to guide you in your thoughts and actions. Insha Allah you will make the correct decision for you, your child and your marriage.

  8. #8
    It's so heartbreaking to read :-(
    May Allah make it easy on you all In shaa Allah

    Here's a good dua:
    Rab-banaa hab lanaa min azwaajinaa wa dhur-riy-yaatinaa qur-rata a'Åyuniw waj'Alnaa lil mut-taqiyna imaamaa
    "our Lord! Grant us in our spouses and offspring the joy of our eyes and make us patterns for those who guard against evil" (25:74)

  9. #9

    all marriages need word...some more then others

    i personally think to get a man to notice you more you need to be noticeable, change your hair style or colour, wear makeup start doing stuff to look after yourself , wear colours you normally don’t bright eye catching stuff, wear high heels strong perfumes, bangles, earrings.. go over the top if you with in the house its fine .
    the second thing you need to do is smile and laugh more try and be happy and act happy all the time ( more so in front of your husband)... the 3rd thing is the main thing start ignoring your husband keep chat limited to short answers spend more time doing your own stuff like making yourself beautiful, cooking reading books, quran, etc...if he is ignoring you or busy doing something make him notice you more " do you like the red shoes or the green ones which earrings go with theses clothes.. if he ever snaps at you smile and laugh if off,
    part of ignoring him is to leave the room when he enter and go and get on with other stuff,,, like cooking washing, cleaning dress making, hobbies..keep yourself busy with your hobbies, dress up well every day get up early if you have to just to do your hair and make up...keep yourself more busy with your child and keep out of your husbands way...if you chilled chooses to sit/play with his dad smile and go off and do your own stuff, (think of it as a day off from looking being busy) if your weight is a bit high when your husband is out the house exercise go up and down the stairs to lose weight get your stomach flat with sit ups , also spend a lot of your time praying and seeking guidence from Allah (swt)... soon your husband will notice a change and weirdly he will start to notice you and even want your attention you should carry on giving him small sort answers with smiles and he if even nice to you in the romantic way then reward him with more chatty behaviour and food ask him how his day was and if he wants his favourite dish to eat... soon he will want your attention and willl notice your change in attitude..he will feel the need to be wanted and more so intrigued by who this new changed woman is in the house. If he asks why this change just say its a new positive you or you felt like it....if this does not work then you need to dig further ...a secret gay- guys who in their childhood had a gay relationship but were forced to go straight or even forced themselves to do it..... is he interested in other women ..in other words Prefer women in skirts and short tops or white women or whatever....or another woman now in his workplace or neighbourhood ...or in the past – his one true love he never got over her ... gave his heart to her and will never love again.,...either way don’t give up till you find out whats going on... good luck
    insha allah everthing will become clear

  10. #10

    same boat

    Slmz. It seems there's many of us in the same boat. I knew my husband for 5 years before getting married. How blind was I by getting myself into such a relationship. I feel like I love him less with every day that we together. From the day we got married we only fought. I'm also married for 5 years and have one child who loves his father more than anything! And my husband hates spending time with my child. It seems like he is an inconvenience to his carefree life. Some men were brought up to think that raising kids are a womens responsibility and there lives should not change. I just hate this mentality but unfortunately its everywhere we go. The grass is not greener on the other side. I'm also a bit far from home and my in laws are just so cold and won't make the slightest effort with my son which hurts to another degree. My in laws absolutely hated me from before I got married. I have no idea why, probably cos I'm not from their superior cast and no matter what efforts I've made in the past, nothing has changed. I always wish to run away but how many muslim men will marry a women with a child. However, being a single mum must be easier than this horrid life of abiding by rules set my an unislamic man demanding undue respect.

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