heartbroken

[heartbroken]

Dear All.
Its been a year since I found out my husband was watching porn behind my back , while I was at work trying to help build our future. When I confronted him at first - he lied about it. Eventually he admitted but he said he threw it all away. He spent so much of money on these things and had them hand delivered to my home without me knowing. How could he do this to me? Apparently he doesn't do it anymore, but he hid it so well from me the last time who is to say he isn't lying again. I still can't get over it, I thought when you get married you should only want to look at your spouse's body and you should have enough respect for them to abstain from such unislamic things. Is it bad of me to still feel so betrayed by this? I can't look at him the same and don't know if I ever will.

[Joburger]

It is understandable that you feel so angry and hurt by your husband's behaviour. However, if he has destroyed all the material and genuinely repented for his actions, you should perhaps consider giving him another chance to redeem himself. It is hard to forgive, but the fact that he has come clean and expressed regret, should tell you that he has made a mistake. We are all human and make mistakes that we regret. For the sake of your marriage and your own happiness it is important that you put this behind you. If your husband establishes regular salaat & regularly reads the Quraan, this will keep him away from engaging in such behaviour again. But you will have to guide and support him. This you can do by showing some appreciation for the regret he has shown and his positive change in behaviour, encouragement to perform salaat and love to nurture your marriage.

[Unregistered]

Salaams, I have the same problem and feel very useless, my husband was addicted to it so he says. He was clean for 2 years and now I found out he went back to it. How do u forgive or get rid of the inadequate feeling

[Unregistered]

I have been through this myself as well. Imagine finding this out when you are newly married! At first I thought I could sweep it under the carpet and simply cried it off and dismissed it as his past. 6 months later when I found evidence that it was continuing, I was shattered. I confronted him and went to a counsellor with him. What helped most was that I forced myself to forgive him totally as the first poster replied. Shukr its been 2 years that I know he hasn't viewed anything or spoken to any strange girls. I still have fear that he may resort to it again, but I will have faith and make lots of Du'aa. That's all you can do at this point. Make it known that you love him and you are willing to help him tro recovery. But that if he is not willing to change, you will take the matter to his family and yours for it to be dealt with. You are not alone sister. I know the feelings - inadequacy, betrayel and hurt. Remem, it is NOT your fault! From experience of a close friend, even the most gorgeous girls can have husbands who stray. May the Almighty guide all our husbands to goodness.

[Unregistered]

Never in a million years would I have thought that my husband would be into porn. We have faced soo many challenges as a married couple, and just when things started to go well I caught my husband with porn. At first he denied it, then came clean and promised he will stop. It's been a couple of months since I caught him & he swears he does not do it any more. I find myself wondering if he has truly given up, but I refuse to be that wife who trolls thu his phone or Internet history... That will just drive me crazy. I have forgiven him and therefore have chosen to believe him when he says he has given up. I do find myself wondering but then remind myself, that I have put my faith in Allah. I make dua that Allah keeps him "clean" but if not that Allah exposes him to me, so I know where I stand.

Pornography is becoming a serious problem in our community. Access to the Internet and cell phones, just makes it so easy ...although this is never an excuse. When I caught my husband, I researched and found out that this issue is prevalent and there are many support groups and forums online, although most of them seem o be Christian based. The Jamiat & the Muslim care line need to seriously address this issue by making it a topic for discussion with clear advices to both husband and wives.

I think that this issue is far more prevalent in our community then we think, with many partners either not knowing about it, or being to embarrassed to discuss it or even believing that it is acceptable as "guys will b guys". Books like the 50 shades of grey make unatural acts seem ok and even desierable. We are so desensitized to these issues that we are no longer offended by lewd comments or photos. Just take look at the ads in magazines and the types of programmes on tv we are so inundated by these images that we think it is normal or acceptble Pornography is HARAAM. It is a betrayal of your spouse. It takes immense courage and strength to forgive such a betrayal and move on. Ultimately you have to decide to forgive and then put your faith in that decision. This is not easy but it is a daily challange . You have to get up each day and make this decision.

To all those men out there who watch porn, i wonder if you could ever possibly understand that this single act of betryal goes to the very heart of your marraige . By watching porn you are killing the essence of that part of your marraige which is meant to be pure and beautiful. Your act of betrayal sends your wife on a journey of self doubt and insecurity. She will forever question what is wrong with her and will always be looking at herself for faults. Your betryal will crush her confidence and stamp all over her self esteem. The irony of this is that the problem is YOU and not her. I hope that Allah makes it easy for you to deal with this issue and that Allah protects our homes and marriages from this scourge.

[Unregistered]

This problem is becoming far greater than we realise and @this rate,I fear to think what our children will find to be the norm. There is a islamic web counseling site for porn or sexual addicts its "purify ur gaze" co-ordinated by zayd ramadaan.google it, if ur husband is willing its an anonomous counseling by pre-recorded vidoes. I can imagine how torn u must feel, its very difficult but if they have made a firm decision to change and taken appropriate means like counseling to ensure this,u have to try acceptance and giving ur marriage another chance for the pleasure of Allah is. Its far easier said than done. Pls dntt sell urself short or have self-blame, u need to make surre they realise that u will work on ur marriage with ur spouse as a team and he needs to know that it is unacceptable for u and u need to set consequences if u find that it happens again and follow it through. My heart reaches out to u and my duas r for u and every married couple out ther. May Allah show him the way and make this trial a meanss to bring greater love, loyalty and happiness in ur marriage and life.

[heartbroken]

Jzk to everyone who has taken the time to respond. Though it is some comfort knowing that this problem is not exclusive to me, I feel that I don't deserve this and that I should have known better. Sometimes it suddenly pops in my head - "what if he is lying again". When I confronted him the first time he persistently denied it. I had to beg him for the truth. I could not understand it because he always tends to be attracted to me so why would he need to be doing all this nonsense. And also - he actually had time and money to spend of this stuff?? I was and still am mortified. I tried to forgive and move on but whenever I see women on tv wearing skimpy clothes - I wonder what he is thinking and wonder if he still indulges in these things and hides it from me. I will never know if he "got rid" of everything. Coz he hid it really well

[a fellow sister]

It does not nessecarilly mean that he isn't attracted to u porn is an addiction it may not give them any satisfaction or pleasure sometimes it doesnt have to even be that they were intending to look at porn but internet is such that there's always links to porn and many a times it just bec something they end up doing it doesn't mean there's any shortcoming on ur side, u can only make Dua and try to be understanding I know it can be hard every monment when they alone u have this nagging thought in the back of ur head but remember suspicion isn't good don't turn a blind eye on everything now but don't be too suspicious either

[Unregistered]

Jazakallah for the guidance, I pray that all of the women that go through this can overcome it. It is most difficult when u urself are honest and true, and it is a daily battle, I don't trust him and I am always wondering and doubting and checking his phone.. may the Almighty see us through