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Thread: my wife is slow

  1. #31


    I think you should stay with her and start doing activities or hobbies that might interest her.so what if she's a bit slow look at the good in her .u may not find sum1 wit her good qualities.

  2. #32
    Quote Originally Posted by Helper View Post
    I'm the poster who said I understand what you're going through because I have a cousin like that.

    To reply to your question about women wanting to be second wives. The truth is that there are women out there who would want to be a second wife. Good men are not easy to find and so many women are single or divorced. You would just have to find the right person. Indeed I think if you find someone kind and compassionate and one who understands and accepts the situation it could work.

    Aside from the issue of second wives, I think you should have realistic expectations as well. I'm in the health field and in addition to having a cousin like your wife I've also had patients like her (I'm not a psychologist though). It's not necessarily something that can be "cured" or "treated with therapy". It's just how she as a person is able to interpret things from a cognitive perspective.

    Don't go in with hopes that you'll get a "diagnosis" or that therapy will "cure" her. I don't mean to sound negative. I just don't want to set you up for further disappointment by creating unrealistic expectations.

    Like I say other people don't understand this but I somewhat do because I've interacted with these types of people. But do not lose hope.

    I suggest that you see a psychologist to help you deal with it. I know there's this stigma attached to seeing a psychologist but there is nothing wrong with it. In fact they will be able to help you cope with your situation better.

    Additionally like you yourself say you could make friends to have stimulating conversations with. Even family, cousins or siblings can fill that need for stimulating conversation. Join the local soccer team, make friends, get a hobby so that you can interact with people who have similar interests to you. It'll create an outlet of sorts for you.

    May Allah make it easy for you. Request to one and all to please keep the poster in your duas.
    Brilliant, I can tell that you actually understand the situation and the points I am trying to get across. Honestly, like you said about getting a diagnosis and so on and that it may not be of benefit, I agree with you. A lot of people will have a lot of nasty things to say if I had to say that in my heart I don't think any of that would benefit her but I'm glad that you seem to get where I am coming from. This is how she is, who she is, I cannot change it and in truth I think I have come to accept it. I will still nonetheless get her to a professional and try. But for me, it is not a matter that can be fixed rather it is one than needs to be managed, and I am willing to do this, yes I still crave the intellectual stimulation and for this I would like to have someone who can give this to me and I think this is the route I will take. My wife is who she is but she is human and like I said before, I do not want to hurt her or anyone and as much as I feel lonely at time I would not wish that on her hence I will not and it was never in my intentions to just throw her away or abandon her, I would never. I think in my heart I already know the solution, but as my previous response says, I must first complete each step, so that nobody may ever say I was unjust to her or did not try and help her or at least in the way they think I should help her. I am genuinely pleased that someone can actually understand where I am coming from and rather than get on my back, actually try and assist as you have, that was the purpose of my post, to find a solution but also I was really frustrated and needed to talk to people who could understand.

  3. #33
    Quote Originally Posted by Unregistered View Post
    Slmz Poster

    I am highly educated female ( three university degrees-cum laude and currently working as a professional for a massive corporate) so shukr to Allah I am what you would call a "smart woman". When I was in my teens I was invited to a function and met a girl about two years older than me who happened to live near to me. We struck up a friendship- she was sweet, very friendly and genuinely appreciated my friendship. I realised (like you did with your wife) that she wasn't academically smart but in every other way she seemed normal enough ( a goody two shoes compared to me in those days). Months later one day me and ger got dropped off by her mom for a movie and the mom said to me as i got out the car ( my friend could not hear) that i must just look after her because she is a little slow. Just like that the penny dropped for me. Now decades later we are still friends- I'm successful, married with big kids and happy but she never got married because her parents wouldnt allow- always feeling she would be taken advantage of. Today she runs their house in terms of cooking, watching over other grandkids etc. she is still so sweet to me, so happy for every single achievement of mine, never jealous or envious. She craves having a family and spouse. When we meet she often shows such insight that i have to remind myself she is "slow". She may be simple but she is kind and forgiving. I miss her when I don't see her but at the same time i can never speak to her about the demands if my job or things like current affairs. Over the years i have come to be the person she can turn to, the one that will kindly dissuade her from doing something stupid without insulting her. All these years later I don't think she realizes her intellectual limitations- instead she feels hard done by in life. The point of this long story is that your wife will want what all us humans want- love and stability. You made your choice and now I feel you must take responsibility for that choice- it sounds to me that a second wife is the only solution. Oh what rewards await you for showing this mother of your child love and patience. She is a trial for you from Allah but also the source of yoir greatest joy- your child. There are indeed women who would be open to being a second wife but you must approach the matter with honesty. Don't turn the first one into the home wife while the second gets to accompany you outside the house. Work hard to create a balance, praise her for the good she does, find comfort in her simplicity in an otherwise crazy world. When you are old one day and infirm she may be the one to stand by you. I don't think there is anything wrong in you craving a companion on your level. Just go forward now in kindness as you do so. Protect her reputation and that of her parents- no one need know that a second wife is because the first is slow ( even with the lady you choose to marry don't describe her in negative language. You can be honest without being mean). I will keep you in my duas. The best thing you can do for your daughter or son is to love their mom.

    Your post has brought tears to my eyes. You are to your friend what I wish to be to my wife, as I responded to another poster in that I am so glad that someone understands so to I say the same for you, there really is no learning like the learning gained from experience. I am not being arrogant here but I feel I really do mean a lot to my wife, she may not give me everything I crave but I probably give her everything she does. The part about your friends being a to manage the house and so on yet you not being able to talk to her about certain issues is so true of my wife as well. The part about her craving a family and so on really does sadden me a great deal and this is part of the reason I didn't want to let go of my wife, I do not want her to go back and then as she gets older sees people together remembers what she had and gets sad. She may not have the same level of emotions as I or someone else does but she can still feel heartache and that is not something I want to her to experience for all her limits he still does hold a place in my heart. And also for my child, she is her mother, I want them to experience life together, even if it is not as it normally would be, the part about having another wife, I also feel this is the solution, in my head it plays out like this. I find someone who will not only give me what I desire but also be a friend to me, my wife and my child, I even thought it would be great someone who already has a kid of their own, that way my child would also have someone and the person who comes I would have a good family, family for me is very very important and I love having everyone together. That however is in an ideal world, in reality I have no clue how to achieve this on my own but I have hope. I also would not demean my wife to another wife nor would I have one being just a housewife and the other above her, my idea of all of this is that they function together, do things together, and everyone be happy. On achieving this, I do not know how to even begin as I try and be a person who does things the right way, in this day and age tho, it is difficult. I actually relate a lot to your thought system with regards to dealing with this situation.

  4. #34
    Salaams, just wanted to find out the outcome of this situation. Out of all the questions Nanima posted, this one really stuck with me. Poster, I hope you have managed to work out a solution Inshaa Allah.

    Please update us.

  5. #35


    It has been just over a year now since I posted this question here and I just wanted to post an update.

    My wife has not changed who she is, she is still the same but you know what? I am happy and I love her, in fact I can not imagine life without her,she may not have had the ability to change herself but i certainly had the ability to change mine and wow. What a difference a little change can make. I look around now and I consider myself fortunate to have her rather than unfortunate , I have a wonderful family, a loving wife albeit crazy at times wife and a most wonderful kid, I say crazy in a loving way because I love it and I would be hard pressed to find all of the attributes she has in any other one person.

    A response somewhere here stated something along the lines of maybe she was sent to me so that I may benefit her and you know what? I disagree because I believe it was I sent to her so that I may benefit, I am today a better person than I was before her and she has thought me so much, not in an academic sense but in an emotional one, and we cannot put a value on that so for me she is invaluable.

    If there is anyone who faces the same situation or a similar one to what I did, I say to you, do not give up, I know how hard it may be but do not give up and more importantly than anything else, turn to your Creator and make Dua, this is something I cannot stress enough, make Dua and make it with your heart and you will never go wrong what it can do for you is beyond comprehension.

  6. #36
    Your 1 year later follow up has been truly inspiring SubhanAllah. Your actions and decisions were ones that took the most courage and Iím so happy that it has worked out in the way it did for you.
    I pray that one day Allah SWT grants me a husband with as much understanding and courage as you have.

    May Allah SWT continue to grant you and your wife barakah in your marriage and may you spend many happy years together and be blessed with healthy and righteous children Ameen!

  7. #37

    My wife is slow

    We understand your frustration, in a marriage we all need both partners support, compromise and unity, have u thought of going for going marriage counseling or could be your wife is silently suffering with depression, or if it's intellectual difficulty maybe ask her to attend some classes learn or try new things and she might open up and be a different person. All the best

  8. #38


    Hi poster

    I think you alone know what you've been through and all the avenues you have tried. I understand your plight, as your partner can either make you or break you. Its easy for people to say to think of the child but your happiness matters too. I suggest the following:

    Have a meeting with your inlaws and one of her uncles (basically a mediator) and lay out the issue. State that you are not happy and look for a way forward.

    Pray istikharah salaah and ask Allah for guidance. You will not believe the doors that will open for you

    May Allah guide you. Its not easy to walk away from a marriage, but sometimes it's a means of your sanity

  9. #39


    I still remember following this story last year. Jazaakallah for the update, it really is inspirational. Makes you realise nothing is impossible with the power of duaa.

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