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Thread: my wife is slow

  1. #21
    Administrator Nanima's Avatar
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    inshAllah it will all work out for the best for all. Keep us posted. if not via alert us then the anonymous questions link as well to carry on the conversation..

  2. #22
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    I dont know if I have any advice to offer. I just want you know that you are a very kind human being and the world could use more people with empathy and compassion. I can see that you are not selfish and jumping to rash decisions. I know someone who has two wives and each wife has their own set of children (1st wife from him - 2nd wife from her own previous marriage) these wives are very close and have no issues at all. They help each other in times of need. Stay at each other's houses. Their kids treat each other as their own mothers.

    It is possible to have 2 wives and that they will get along. May ALLAH guide your DESICION in such a way that it is best for all parties involved

  3. #23
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    I think you are correct in getting a diagnosis first. Basically you feel you are conversing with a child instead of an adult. If she is easily influenced then you can take her to get assessed without hassles.

    You do seem like a decent guy and I really feel sorry for the position you in. I am very interested in the outcome of this post. The second wife option will probably be best as she is now already a part of your life.

  4. #24
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    Quote Originally Posted by Nanima View Post
    inshAllah it will all work out for the best for all. Keep us posted. if not via alert us then the anonymous questions link as well to carry on the conversation..
    Ameen. I certainly will, this experience has helped me, for the first time in literally years I have been able to be me and converse as I would normally.

  5. #25
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    Quote Originally Posted by Unregistered View Post
    I dont know if I have any advice to offer. I just want you know that you are a very kind human being and the world could use more people with empathy and compassion. I can see that you are not selfish and jumping to rash decisions. I know someone who has two wives and each wife has their own set of children (1st wife from him - 2nd wife from her own previous marriage) these wives are very close and have no issues at all. They help each other in times of need. Stay at each other's houses. Their kids treat each other as their own mothers.

    It is possible to have 2 wives and that they will get along. May ALLAH guide your DESICION in such a way that it is best for all parties involved
    Ameen. I hope so as well, and thank you for the kind words, having a little compassion does not cost a thing.

  6. #26
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    Quote Originally Posted by Unregistered View Post
    I think you are correct in getting a diagnosis first. Basically you feel you are conversing with a child instead of an adult. If she is easily influenced then you can take her to get assessed without hassles.

    You do seem like a decent guy and I really feel sorry for the position you in. I am very interested in the outcome of this post. The second wife option will probably be best as she is now already a part of your life.
    That is precisely how I feel alot of times, that I am conversing with a child. Yes I will get her diagnosed as the soonest and take it from there and I will post an update, you are also correct in saying that she already is a part of my life, I would be lying if I said I wouldn't miss her if she's gone,but at the same time I am lonely when she's here, in terms of a companion and I am a part of her life as well now and this is probably all she knows now. First step is to go and get a professional diagnosis then work on a solution from there and find one that accommodates all of us. Thank you for the kind words.

  7. #27
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    In the mean time

    While you trying to figure out what is exactly the issue with your wife before considering a second wife, you seem to crave intellectual conversation. From experience most marriages to have communication meltdowns eventually and the conversation seems to end up one sided or not at all.so even a second marriage may get boring but at least there maybe better understanding. You will have to think properly if you want this route as it also could get complicated for you. I do understand the gravity of your problem. I am praying for a miracle cure for your wife. she enjoys certain programs and can concentrate. Find more activities that can stimulate her intellectually. Find out what she enjoys. For yourself also maybe find a good friend you can just make chit chat with. Maybe join a fishing club or soccer or archery or even go on jamaat. This way you can get to talk to others. Until you can sort out your first situation and you are comfortable and still looking for a spouse then go ahead. Someone that will have to come in there with an open heart to all of you.

  8. #28
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    Quote Originally Posted by Unregistered View Post
    While you trying to figure out what is exactly the issue with your wife before considering a second wife, you seem to crave intellectual conversation. From experience most marriages to have communication meltdowns eventually and the conversation seems to end up one sided or not at all.so even a second marriage may get boring but at least there maybe better understanding. You will have to think properly if you want this route as it also could get complicated for you. I do understand the gravity of your problem. I am praying for a miracle cure for your wife. she enjoys certain programs and can concentrate. Find more activities that can stimulate her intellectually. Find out what she enjoys. For yourself also maybe find a good friend you can just make chit chat with. Maybe join a fishing club or soccer or archery or even go on jamaat. This way you can get to talk to others. Until you can sort out your first situation and you are comfortable and still looking for a spouse then go ahead. Someone that will have to come in there with an open heart to all of you.
    Yes, you make a good point about craving conversation, I actually do not have any friends, not because I cannot make friends, I just don't have any so that is something I will try and do tho having friends would mean having friends that are also married as unmarried friends would probably mean different interests and so on. Married friends would also probably lead to us speaking about our families which would in turn probably make me think harder about the situation I am in, but that is a problem for another day, about having a second wife, it is not something I will just jump into and I know while it may be a solution, it may not be the one at this particular moment and I should not be rash I doing things, it is like a complicated math equation, to get the solution you must first complete the steps correctly or you end up with a wrong answer and in this case a wrong answer is not an option also to solve the equation I must first know all the variables, so I best take my time, the first thing that needs to be done is to find out what the problem is and work from there, without knowing the problem, one cannot just bring in someone else thinking they are the solution, that could cause the situation to worsen and create another problem so like I said above, I must work it out, solve the equation and not guess the answer. A lot of thinking is required here and a lot of action, I am willing to do this and hope that everything works out for the best for us.

  9. #29
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    I'm the poster who said I understand what you're going through because I have a cousin like that.

    To reply to your question about women wanting to be second wives. The truth is that there are women out there who would want to be a second wife. Good men are not easy to find and so many women are single or divorced. You would just have to find the right person. Indeed I think if you find someone kind and compassionate and one who understands and accepts the situation it could work.

    Aside from the issue of second wives, I think you should have realistic expectations as well. I'm in the health field and in addition to having a cousin like your wife I've also had patients like her (I'm not a psychologist though). It's not necessarily something that can be "cured" or "treated with therapy". It's just how she as a person is able to interpret things from a cognitive perspective.

    Don't go in with hopes that you'll get a "diagnosis" or that therapy will "cure" her. I don't mean to sound negative. I just don't want to set you up for further disappointment by creating unrealistic expectations.

    Like I say other people don't understand this but I somewhat do because I've interacted with these types of people. But do not lose hope.

    I suggest that you see a psychologist to help you deal with it. I know there's this stigma attached to seeing a psychologist but there is nothing wrong with it. In fact they will be able to help you cope with your situation better.

    Additionally like you yourself say you could make friends to have stimulating conversations with. Even family, cousins or siblings can fill that need for stimulating conversation. Join the local soccer team, make friends, get a hobby so that you can interact with people who have similar interests to you. It'll create an outlet of sorts for you.

    May Allah make it easy for you. Request to one and all to please keep the poster in your duas.

  10. #30
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    "Slow wife"

    Slmz Poster

    I am highly educated female ( three university degrees-cum laude and currently working as a professional for a massive corporate) so shukr to Allah I am what you would call a "smart woman". When I was in my teens I was invited to a function and met a girl about two years older than me who happened to live near to me. We struck up a friendship- she was sweet, very friendly and genuinely appreciated my friendship. I realised (like you did with your wife) that she wasn't academically smart but in every other way she seemed normal enough ( a goody two shoes compared to me in those days). Months later one day me and ger got dropped off by her mom for a movie and the mom said to me as i got out the car ( my friend could not hear) that i must just look after her because she is a little slow. Just like that the penny dropped for me. Now decades later we are still friends- I'm successful, married with big kids and happy but she never got married because her parents wouldnt allow- always feeling she would be taken advantage of. Today she runs their house in terms of cooking, watching over other grandkids etc. she is still so sweet to me, so happy for every single achievement of mine, never jealous or envious. She craves having a family and spouse. When we meet she often shows such insight that i have to remind myself she is "slow". She may be simple but she is kind and forgiving. I miss her when I don't see her but at the same time i can never speak to her about the demands if my job or things like current affairs. Over the years i have come to be the person she can turn to, the one that will kindly dissuade her from doing something stupid without insulting her. All these years later I don't think she realizes her intellectual limitations- instead she feels hard done by in life. The point of this long story is that your wife will want what all us humans want- love and stability. You made your choice and now I feel you must take responsibility for that choice- it sounds to me that a second wife is the only solution. Oh what rewards await you for showing this mother of your child love and patience. She is a trial for you from Allah but also the source of yoir greatest joy- your child. There are indeed women who would be open to being a second wife but you must approach the matter with honesty. Don't turn the first one into the home wife while the second gets to accompany you outside the house. Work hard to create a balance, praise her for the good she does, find comfort in her simplicity in an otherwise crazy world. When you are old one day and infirm she may be the one to stand by you. I don't think there is anything wrong in you craving a companion on your level. Just go forward now in kindness as you do so. Protect her reputation and that of her parents- no one need know that a second wife is because the first is slow ( even with the lady you choose to marry don't describe her in negative language. You can be honest without being mean). I will keep you in my duas. The best thing you can do for your daughter or son is to love their mom.

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