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Thread: my wife is slow

  1. #11
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    Quote Originally Posted by Nanima View Post
    I am not saying stay there for the child. i am saying help the mother for the child's sake..
    I am asking what is the plan now
    what do you want to happen
    do you want to send the mother back to her parents
    do you want to send the mother and your child back to her parents. you seem like a great father so I don't think this would be an option.
    if you keep you child what is your plan with your child
    what happens with your child
    I do not know what the plan is, that is why I am searching for a solution. Between my wife and I my child is more attached to me, I have even looked after her by myself for a while when we separated, so sending my child away is never going to be an option, I do not want the mother to go back either,because the child needs a mother, not just any mother but her mother, my wife is also more comfortable here, she even says she does not want to go back and I would feel terrible if I had to force her away and back to where she was, not that I am saying it was a bad place, but clearly she is happier here, if I leave things I feel trapped if I let her go I feel guilty, a lot of the comments suggested polygomy, but i do not understand this, it's not as if women are just begging to be a second wife so it's not that easy, what do you think about this? If there was someone who could understand the both of us, do you think that would work?

  2. #12
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    Poster while I see a lot of people don't really understand what you're saying I just want you to know that I do understand. I have a cousin who is a bit "slow" much like your wife. The truth is that her family is in denial about her status, and I think that your in laws may be too. It might not be that they purposely hid something but rather they're in denial of the problem. Maybe to them simply telling you that she didn't finish school and that she's not good in English and Math was a sufficient explanation for her cognitive status.

    The one thing we have gathered from this is that you really are a good person and that all you want is a little happiness and there's nothing wrong with that.

    While I cannot advise you on what to do I can give you the options open to you. Sit down and think them through, make istikhaara and ask Allah to guide you:

    Option 1: divorce your wife and continue to support her and your child. Be an active part of your child's life. Find yourself, be on your own for a little and then start looking for another wife

    Option 2: keep her in your nikaah and take a second wife who will be able to fulfill all that you crave in your current marriage. That way you won't be abandoning your wife nor will you be stifling yourself

  3. #13
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    Quote Originally Posted by Unregistered View Post
    Poster while I see a lot of people don't really understand what you're saying I just want you to know that I do understand. I have a cousin who is a bit "slow" much like your wife. The truth is that her family is in denial about her status, and I think that your in laws may be too. It might not be that they purposely hid something but rather they're in denial of the problem. Maybe to them simply telling you that she didn't finish school and that she's not good in English and Math was a sufficient explanation for her cognitive status.

    The one thing we have gathered from this is that you really are a good person and that all you want is a little happiness and there's nothing wrong with that.

    While I cannot advise you on what to do I can give you the options open to you. Sit down and think them through, make istikhaara and ask Allah to guide you:

    Option 1: divorce your wife and continue to support her and your child. Be an active part of your child's life. Find yourself, be on your own for a little and then start looking for another wife

    Option 2: keep her in your nikaah and take a second wife who will be able to fulfill all that you crave in your current marriage. That way you won't be abandoning your wife nor will you be stifling yourself
    I am genuinely happy that someone can understand somewhat, my situation, I feel you really hit the nail on the head with the way you described them being in denial and so on, the reality is, now there are 3 lives involved here my child's, wife's and mine. If we were to go our separate ways, I would not let my child go, the kid is my life,i do want to be supportive of my wife and I understand everyone can only do so much, but the cost of a broken home can lasts a long time, at the same time so to can the costs of an unhappy one, both will have its affect on the child. Like I said in a response prior, a lot of people suggested taking a 2nd wife and I can see the wisdom in their suggestions like yours, but like I said above, it's not like women are begging to be 2nd wives, lastly as I also mentioned In another response, and asked, do you think if I found someone who understood the both of us it would work?

  4. #14
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    Poster, I understand what you trying to say. She may be slightly 'backward mentally' for lack of a better description. This is most probably a permanent thing.

    What I can't understand is in the few conversations you had prior to marriage, did you not pick up on this? And even a month or two afterwards? If you living with a person, surely it would have become apparent? Please explain this part to us.

    Nevertheless, what's done is done. You are still young and I don't see you sticking it out for another 30-40 years. I would suggest you read Isthikhaara first before making any hasty decisions.

    If you feel you can be just with your time etc with her then maybe take a second wife so she is not abandoned after she bore you a child. I would hate to suggest divorce. You are in a very tough position. May Allah make it easy on all of you, and guide you towards what's best, Aameen.

    Please do a follow up post here or on Ask Nanima regarding your decision.

  5. #15
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    Quote Originally Posted by Unregistered View Post
    Poster, I understand what you trying to say. She may be slightly 'backward mentally' for lack of a better description. This is most probably a permanent thing.

    What I can't understand is in the few conversations you had prior to marriage, did you not pick up on this? And even a month or two afterwards? If you living with a person, surely it would have become apparent? Please explain this part to us.

    Nevertheless, what's done is done. You are still young and I don't see you sticking it out for another 30-40 years. I would suggest you read Isthikhaara first before making any hasty decisions.

    If you feel you can be just with your time etc with her then maybe take a second wife so she is not abandoned after she bore you a child. I would hate to suggest divorce. You are in a very tough position. May Allah make it easy on all of you, and guide you towards what's best, Aameen.

    Please do a follow up post here or on Ask Nanima regarding your decision.
    I did pick up on it during the first few months, but you have to give some people chance, I figured maybe she just needs time to settle and relax, then also in the early stages where I realised, OK something is wrong here and I wanted out, I was stopped, I was told that it will come right and I do not blame anyone who told me that because of course people want to see a happy home and then even when she was pregnant, I was struggling, and to be honest wanted to even end it then, but that was not really an option and would not have been a good thing to do, mind, I was always going to look after the kid even if we divorced then, so again, we waited for things to come right, tried with each other, but nothing, after that, the kid was born, and that just changed everything, I think for a few years after that even if I wanted to leave I would not have been able to, only because of the child, they become your everything and you do not want to put their life's at any risk of any unhappiness, even now I feel the same, but the child is getting older now and things are still so difficult at times. That's basically where the better part of 6 years went, in between there was separation and divorce was almost certain but again we gave it another go, and now, here we are again.

  6. #16
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    second wife could be an option. the only issue that may come about is your child. what happens to your child when you at your other wife. is your wife able to look after your child alone without supervision?
    my suggestion from the start is first let us find out what we dealing with. you said that you haven't told people and it seems like you want to protect your wife maybe but then maybe go to someone that is not close to where you live and just get her evaluated to find out what is her condition exactly..
    then from there you can make plans..
    once you have sorted out your first situation and your wife has coping skills and maybe more independent then maybe you can think about wife number two.
    but for now let us on just focus on finding out what we can do to make your wife less frustrated.. who knows it may be something so simple.. medical technology so advanced maybe if she goes through some therapies it will be like a light switch that turns on. Allah knows.. for now.. wake up for tahajud and ask Allah to guide you.
    Amazingly enough there are many ladies that seem to be going for inaccessible married man. inshAllah you seem like a good guy.. you may find someone willing to come on this journey with you.. you will also have to find someone that is compassionate. maybe also someone that will be good to your child and also compassionate to your first wife. have you asked your wife if this is an option..

  7. #17
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    I did pick up something interesting first few months, but you have to give some people a chance, I figured maybe she just needs time to settle and relax, then also in the early stages where I realised, OK something is wrong here and I wanted out, I was stopped, I was told that it will come right and I do not blame anyone who told me that because of course people want to see a happy home and then even when she was pregnant, I was struggling, and to be honest wanted to even end it then, but that was not really an option and would not have been a good thing to do, mind, I was always going to look after the kid even if we divorced then, so again, we waited for things to come right, tried with each other, but nothing, after that, the kid was born, and that just changed everything, I think for a few years after that even if I wanted to leave I would not have been able to, only because of the child, they become your everything and you do not want to put their life's at any risk of any unhappiness, even now I feel the same, but the child is getting older now and things are still so difficult at times. That's basically where the better part of 6 years went, in between there was separation and divorce was almost certain but again we gave it another go, and now, here we are again.

  8. #18
    Sauliha
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    Diagnose

    First things first, please take her to a professional and get a proper diagnosis. Neither you nor her family nor any of us on this thread is qualified to make a diagnosis. When she was with her parents, it was their responsibility to take her to a professional, then when she became your wife, it became your responsibility to do so.
    You know best what you've been living with, so I won't downplay your word that you've been living in a tough situation, but before making decisions it's best to do things systematically. If it turns out that she has a diagnosed mental disability, then you do have a right to leave the marriage. But please try to continue helping her with rehabilitation to the best of your ability, for the sake of your child and for sadaqah. May Allah grant you both ease and contentment.

  9. #19
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    Quote Originally Posted by Nanima View Post
    second wife could be an option. the only issue that may come about is your child. what happens to your child when you at your other wife. is your wife able to look after your child alone without supervision?
    my suggestion from the start is first let us find out what we dealing with. you said that you haven't told people and it seems like you want to protect your wife maybe but then maybe go to someone that is not close to where you live and just get her evaluated to find out what is her condition exactly..
    then from there you can make plans..
    once you have sorted out your first situation and your wife has coping skills and maybe more independent then maybe you can think about wife number two.
    but for now let us on just focus on finding out what we can do to make your wife less frustrated.. who knows it may be something so simple.. medical technology so advanced maybe if she goes through some therapies it will be like a light switch that turns on. Allah knows.. for now.. wake up for tahajud and ask Allah to guide you.
    Amazingly enough there are many ladies that seem to be going for inaccessible married man. inshAllah you seem like a good guy.. you may find someone willing to come on this journey with you.. you will also have to find someone that is compassionate. maybe also someone that will be good to your child and also compassionate to your first wife. have you asked your wife if this is an option..
    As a matter of fact after reading all these posts, I did talk to her about it this afternoon, I started with talking to her about concentrating on things properly and she started to cry, almost as if she felt she was useless I felt bad, she said she can't concentrate and so on, she want he's television so I asked her what happened in a program she watched the other day and she told me, so I told her, see how do you know what happened? It's because you were concentrating on it, I also spoke to her about how different people are good at different things and honestly I did speak to her about another wife and I put it to her in this way, that whatever she is not able to do the other person may be able to do and she can learn from her and also that whatever she can do that the other person can't she can teach her, she seemed to have accepted the idea after a while, thing is, she is not a difficult person to influence and a part of me feels I am taking advantage of that, tho it really is not my intention as I could have influenced her a long time ago if I wanted, I was merely trying to show her how it would be of benefit to us. I also tried explaining to her that it is not always important to get things 100% right the important thing is that you try to get it right, make the effort. She did cry and then she laughed and cried again and laughed and I asked how she felt about what I suggested, bad, medium or good and she said medium. It is a very complex situation, I will heed your suggestion tho and first find out discreetly what the exact problem is and work from there, and yes she is able to look after the kid unsupervised but at times very absent minded or ignorant to a potentially dangerous situation, for example she won't see an issue with placing the child on a wall about 1.5mts of the ground but I cannot take away from her the fact that for the better part, she is definitely capable of monitoring the child temperamental yes, she may shout and stuff at the child but not violent towards the child. You make a lot of sense, if there is a 4th human being that comes into this equation, they have to be willing to integrate with all of us, i would also want everyone to live at least on one property so nobody is ever to far away. Before all of that comes into play tho, I will first find the root of my wife's problem. I also hope the amount of ladies going for inaccessible married men declines.

  10. #20
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    Quote Originally Posted by Sauliha View Post
    First things first, please take her to a professional and get a proper diagnosis. Neither you nor her family nor any of us on this thread is qualified to make a diagnosis. When she was with her parents, it was their responsibility to take her to a professional, then when she became your wife, it became your responsibility to do so.
    You know best what you've been living with, so I won't downplay your word that you've been living in a tough situation, but before making decisions it's best to do things systematically. If it turns out that she has a diagnosed mental disability, then you do have a right to leave the marriage. But please try to continue helping her with rehabilitation to the best of your ability, for the sake of your child and for sadaqah. May Allah grant you both ease and contentment.
    That is what I intend doing, discreetly. She is not retarded and she is not physically handicapped, it is just very complexed and I do not know how to word it properly but yes I will seek help for her, I want to help her and I want to help myself as well because in the process of helping her I am sure I will become a better person, bonds are important in life and I know they should not be broken and I do not want to, I just want to find a solution that works for all of us, I would never be able to have a conversation with her in the ways in which I have conversed on this forum, and that frustrates me but I also know that she is not that way to spite me and she cannot control it. The first step as advised is to find out what the problem is, then find a solution that is suitable for all of us. This is what I now intend doing.

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