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Thread: my wife is slow

  1. #1
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    my wife is slow

    aNaniMous Questions
    Salaams. I am married almost 6 years now. Thing is, I am not happy and don't think I ever have been in this marriage, I did not know my wife for long before we married and as a result did not know about her in detail. I wanted to do things the right way so I met her at her parents house the first time, liked her and so we met a few times after before we decided we get Married, problem is, we are worlds apart, Initially her parents told me that she did not complete school and that she was not the best at math and English, I figured this is not a major issue, little did I know that they were sugar coating the real problem which I still don't know how to convey without seeming rude but there is clearly something wrong, a little while back when we were having issues another family member of hers who was trying to help told me that they thought I knew she was a bit "slow" and that I had been told this but honestly I was never told of this at least not in the way I should have been. I have a kid with her now conceived when we first got married and I love my child dearly but I cannot keep ignoring the issue with the mother, I did realise a long while back that something is not right with her but I wanted to try and make this work somehow and when I wanted to give up my emotions were played on by her family and I felt bad and took her back but I really do not think I can deal with this much longer, she is my wife by name but in truth is more a spectator to my life rather than being a part of it, I cannot come home and talk to her as I should, I cannot even converse with her as I would want to with my wife because we are not on the same wave length, I just want someone I can actually talk to, who I can have a normal conversation with, this is really starting to derail my life now but I do not know what to do, I honestly do not want to hurt anyone but at the same time I cannot pretend and live the rest of my life like this, I do not feel it was fair that they were not honest with me at the start but at the same time I know I should have been more cautious, I can never say I regret this but that is only because of the wonderful child we have, I just don't know what to do, my child is more of a companion to me than her mother and she is not even at school yet! People will say try or try harder but I have been doing this, try to see the good and ignore the bad I have done this also, try and speak to her in a way she understands, done that also, I have reached a point now were I have just about given up and feel I am wasting my life away like this, I am no spring chicken, almost 30 now but I have ambitions in life, goals, ideas s unfortunately I have nobody to share them with when she should be the one I ought to be sharing and living them out with,if I just end it I will be hurting so many people not to mention my child which I never want to do but if I continue without doing anything I will end up a bitter old man who regrets having wasted his life boxing in who he is to accommodate someone else. What do I do?
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    Poster please let us know what have you done to find out what is the real issue with your wife? what is her condition. let us know what you are dealing with exactly? do you even know?

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    Can we ask the poster questions anonymously here?

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    I have asked her parents and they insist there is nothing but it is clear to me that they are in denial about something, people make it as if it is nothing but it is so clearly apparent after spending 5 minutes speaking with her on her own. To better understand the problem, put it this way. If she had to take my phone and read thru these posts of mine, she would not truly comprehend it, she would not understand what I am saying, she will for instance maybe just get upset for a few seconds about me talking about her and then get over it or if I wanted to I could make her believe some completely insane story about what the posts mean. The problem is just that her level of understanding is just not there,her control over her emotions is also an issue, she can go from happy to raging in seconds,and the things that she actually concerns herself with or things that she worries about are not things someone of her age should be worrying about rather someone much younger. I honestly actually feel bad for her, I read a comment that says she didn't ask to be this way and she deserves to be happy, and I 100% share the same opinion, her happiness is what I want but at the same time I also want to be me, I really feel bad for her because to be frank, she is absolutely unaware of how she is, I say this with respect to her and don't intend to be rude but, her intellect is limited and this limits her understanding of what is going on, I know that her because of this she can only do so much or be so much, I believe in expectation in line with ability, if a person can only give of what is considered 50%percent to you and they are giving you that 50% it is actually 100% for them and it must be appreciated, I understand all of this, it is just very difficult to cope with, because as much as it is great to be kind and considerate it also prevents me from being me which at the end of the day just frustrates me and I do not know how to vent it,a day even if I do, it just starts all over again, like a cycle.

  5. #5
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    Quote Originally Posted by Nanima View Post
    Poster please let us know what have you done to find out what is the real issue with your wife? what is her condition. let us know what you are dealing with exactly? do you even know?
    I have done so, please see below

  6. #6
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    Quote Originally Posted by Unregistered View Post
    I have done so, please see below
    Or above. I would also like to ad that, no I do not know exactly what is wrong but I do know her parents must know, they will just sugar coat everything tho and believe that they have tried whatever they could to help her but could not, I just think I should have been told about it, one of the comments spoke of intellectual disabilities and I went and I Google it and read a bit about it, and truth be told, from what I understood, I think this may be the problem

  7. #7
    Administrator Nanima's Avatar
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    clearly you want out of this and we can understand your frustration from you described. even if you decide to move on with your life
    1. what happens to your child
    2. don't you feel you owe it to your child at least to help her mother get a better quality of life
    what you describe about her seems like she is having difficulty expressing herself. Googling etc won't help.
    you invested 6 years of your life plus a child in this relationship.
    you keep on blaming the parents for not disclosing whatever but after 1 year at least you should have tried to find out yourself what is the real issue you dealing with.
    3. go ahead merrily with your life but at the end of the day this problem will be your daughters problem. at least help her make her mothers life more better.
    the past is the past with your in laws. stop the grudge against them. You had enough insight for years that things are not ok with your wife yet you did nothing but just blame and blame. you only worried about what she can give you in your marriage. have you not thought maybe Allah sent her to you to maybe help her come out of this darkness she is in. the least you could have done is find out what is wrong instead of hoping someone will tell you. spending some money on this problem could have saved you years of grief.. now you wasted years and years. maybe there is place where she could go to rehabilitate or something..
    just help her with her path of healing. leave her if you must but just remember this will be your daughters problem..

  8. #8
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    Quote Originally Posted by Nanima View Post
    clearly you want out of this and we can understand your frustration from you described. even if you decide to move on with your life
    1. what happens to your child
    2. don't you feel you owe it to your child at least to help her mother get a better quality of life
    what you describe about her seems like she is having difficulty expressing herself. Googling etc won't help.
    you invested 6 years of your life plus a child in this relationship.
    you keep on blaming the parents for not disclosing whatever but after 1 year at least you should have tried to find out yourself what is the real issue you dealing with.
    3. go ahead merrily with your life but at the end of the day this problem will be your daughters problem. at least help her make her mothers life more better.
    the past is the past with your in laws. stop the grudge against them. You had enough insight for years that things are not ok with your wife yet you did nothing but just blame and blame. you only worried about what she can give you in your marriage. have you not thought maybe Allah sent her to you to maybe help her come out of this darkness she is in. the least you could have done is find out what is wrong instead of hoping someone will tell you. spending some money on this problem could have saved you years of grief.. now you wasted years and years. maybe there is place where she could go to rehabilitate or something..
    just help her with her path of healing. leave her if you must but just remember this will be your daughters problem..
    I am not holding any grudges,I do not go around telling people about this or make it apparent I try and hide it and overlook it, but how does one do that when it is your life? I just don't think it is fair, I also did not mention whether I have a son or a daughter, the child is also a big part of the reason this has gone on so long, I know a child needs stability and so I am trying to give the child that the child will eventually grow up and see and understand the situation for herself, then what happens?

  9. #9
    Administrator Nanima's Avatar
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    I am not saying stay there for the child. i am saying help the mother for the child's sake..
    I am asking what is the plan now
    what do you want to happen
    do you want to send the mother back to her parents
    do you want to send the mother and your child back to her parents. you seem like a great father so I don't think this would be an option.
    if you keep you child what is your plan with your child
    what happens with your child

  10. #10
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    Quote Originally Posted by Nanima View Post
    clearly you want out of this and we can understand your frustration from you described. even if you decide to move on with your life
    1. what happens to your child
    2. don't you feel you owe it to your child at least to help her mother get a better quality of life
    what you describe about her seems like she is having difficulty expressing herself. Googling etc won't help.
    you invested 6 years of your life plus a child in this relationship.
    you keep on blaming the parents for not disclosing whatever but after 1 year at least you should have tried to find out yourself what is the real issue you dealing with.
    3. go ahead merrily with your life but at the end of the day this problem will be your daughters problem. at least help her make her mothers life more better.
    the past is the past with your in laws. stop the grudge against them. You had enough insight for years that things are not ok with your wife yet you did nothing but just blame and blame. you only worried about what she can give you in your marriage. have you not thought maybe Allah sent her to you to maybe help her come out of this darkness she is in. the least you could have done is find out what is wrong instead of hoping someone will tell you. spending some money on this problem could have saved you years of grief.. now you wasted years and years. maybe there is place where she could go to rehabilitate or something..
    just help her with her path of healing. leave her if you must but just remember this will be your daughters problem..
    I do want to help her as well, but sometimes you must accept that you can only do so much, trying to fix something by bending it to much will only break it. How would you suggest I attempt to help her further?

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