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  • 11-09-2012, 10:42 PM
    Edris Khamissa
    Dear Sister in Islam,

    I would recommend that you share these concerns with your future husband…in fact both of you should see a counsellor who will guide you .It is better to address the issue now before you marry ,lest if ignored it could cause you grief. Most mothers-in-laws have a close bond with their daughters. That is understandable. Perhaps you need to give it some time and get to know her .Just maybe your future mother –in law is cautious in her relationship with you lest she may be misunderstood.

    Regarding your husband to be perhaps he has grown up in a home where expression of feelings and demonstration of the like are non -existent. All of us are products of our environment.

    Discuss your issues in an amicable way.

    Take care

    Was-Salaam
  • 08-09-2012, 11:03 AM
    Unregistered
    Slmz I would suggest sorting it out now, not wanting to make u afraid but I had issues with my ex mil before I got married, which I was afraid to confront at the time, and then I was married and my mil was a total psycho mil, I don't want to go into detail. 2 months later I was divorced.. So pllzz for ur own sake confront n rather get out now then later..
  • 07-09-2012, 10:45 PM
    Unregistered
    Quote Originally Posted by Unregistered View Post
    Since you seem to be upset by this, I would first advise you to go to Islamic Careline in Fordsburg for premarital counselling.
    It's great because they help you discuss whatever is bothering you in a safe manner and also gets serious topics out of the way and allows you to see where your future partner stands on certain issues. They first ask you to fill in a questionnaire which has all sorts of questions regarding children, finances, etc. like the IMPORTANT day-to-day things of marriage including the affectionate ways It's also nice as it lets you air your concerns in an appropriate manner and also lets you see if there could be major issues in your marriage later on.

    Please don't delay it. Call them as soon as possible! 011 373 8080.
    I wish I had done this before as I didn't realise a lot of things about myself until 3years into marriage and I think I would've been better equipped for marriage if I did the counselling before I was married.

    It's very difficult to live in a home where your mother in law is cold towards you. I would suggest discussing this with your future husband and I think this may be the safest manner to do so. However, if you can't attend the counselling, then I would suggest discussing it with him immediately. Be diplomatic, say, 'I notice that your mother doesn't really discuss things with me in a nice and warm manner and I was wondering if she doesn't like me? I'm really worried as we're going to be living together and I don't want any of us to be upset or frustrated with each other while living in the same home.'

    Maybe try and spend an afternoon with your future mother in law? Go on a shopping outing with her or have lunch somewhere - just you and her - and see how she behaves with you then.

    May the Almighty help you in this big step in your life. I wish you all the best.
    Be honest with your husband-to-be and tell him how you feel and that you are an affectionate person and would like him to be affectionate with you as well. Perhaps he is not like that at the moment because you are not married yet? However, he might not like to display affections in front of others, which is fine as people tend to get jealous (yes it does occur even amongst family members). As long as he is affectionate and loving while the two of you are alone, don't stress about it in public in view of others.

    I also forgot to mention that you should clarify boundaries with your husband-to-be NOW so that you know how you're going to be living with your in-laws. ie. no one enters your bedroom without YOUR permission (not his, YOURS), locking your bedroom when you are not there - only you and your husband should have a key, no one enters your bedroom if you're not in the home, discuss expectations regarding visitors, he should have intimate moments with you and not come to the bedroom very late in the evening as you want to spend quality alone time with him as husband and wife (you're still getting to know each other irrespective of whether you've been going out for years or an arranged marriage - people are different once living together). Some of my thoughts here might be outrageous to some, but I lived with my in-laws for a short period of time and my in-laws were the ones who suggested ideas for boundaries so that we could all live harmoniously and guess what? It worked! I have never had an issue with my spouse, his siblings or his parents regarding privacy because of these boundaries and I have been married for 5years already, subhanallah!

    If everyone remembers their boundaries, everything should be ok.
  • 07-09-2012, 10:34 PM
    Unregistered
    Since you seem to be upset by this, I would first advise you to go to Islamic Careline in Fordsburg for premarital counselling.
    It's great because they help you discuss whatever is bothering you in a safe manner and also gets serious topics out of the way and allows you to see where your future partner stands on certain issues. They first ask you to fill in a questionnaire which has all sorts of questions regarding children, finances, etc. like the IMPORTANT day-to-day things of marriage including the affectionate ways It's also nice as it lets you air your concerns in an appropriate manner and also lets you see if there could be major issues in your marriage later on.

    Please don't delay it. Call them as soon as possible! 011 373 8080.
    I wish I had done this before as I didn't realise a lot of things about myself until 3years into marriage and I think I would've been better equipped for marriage if I did the counselling before I was married.

    It's very difficult to live in a home where your mother in law is cold towards you. I would suggest discussing this with your future husband and I think this may be the safest manner to do so. However, if you can't attend the counselling, then I would suggest discussing it with him immediately. Be diplomatic, say, 'I notice that your mother doesn't really discuss things with me in a nice and warm manner and I was wondering if she doesn't like me? I'm really worried as we're going to be living together and I don't want any of us to be upset or frustrated with each other while living in the same home.'

    Maybe try and spend an afternoon with your future mother in law? Go on a shopping outing with her or have lunch somewhere - just you and her - and see how she behaves with you then.

    May the Almighty help you in this big step in your life. I wish you all the best.
  • 07-09-2012, 07:28 PM
    Unregistered
    My advice would also be to read istiharah. Now is the time to talk things thru with your future hubby and his mother. It really isn't gonna get better if you don't sort it out. Living together isn't easy, is it not possible for you to move on your own? All the best to you. May اللّه make it easy for you.
  • 07-09-2012, 04:40 PM
    Unregistered

    face the situation

    Sister my suggestion would be to be open and honest with the parties concerned. Try to broach the topics gently and see if you can find out more about why their behaviour is the way it is. Rather do it now than wait until after the wedding. If you are finding a problem now, unfortunately it is only likely to become bigger after the wedding. It is unlikely to simply go away. I also think it would be beneficial to perform istikaarah salaat and ask Allah to guide you to the best decision. Choosing a marriage partner is a huge decision. And I know its not what you probably want to hear but breaking an engagement is far easier than an unhappy marriage. I wish you all the best.
  • 07-09-2012, 03:19 PM
    lola

    cold future mil

    Salaams I'm in a dilemma n I'm not sure what to do! I'm gettin married in a month. Ther is jus one problem, The guy's mother is very cold toward me. I picked this up on various occasions and my mother has picked this up as well. My future mum in law has a high regard for her own daughter and seems to have little or no interest in me. I will be staying together with my in laws for a while and I'm worried that the relation between me and my mum in law might remain cold. My future husband doesn't know abt how I feel as I am trying not to complicate matters. I've also picked up that he is more affectionate over the phone than in person. He doesn't compliment me or make me feel special and I need to let him know as I am a very warm person inside and this has brought me down to tears sincere advice needed shukran.

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