marriage

[Unregistered]

Its so amazing, so many of us are ving marital problems and similar issues, what are we doing wrong, were we not raised properly or did we just choose the wrong partners? I personally am at breakdown point now coz my partner is inconsiderate.......

[Unregistered]

i think that people are choosing marriage partners based on the wrong reasons.
That could be the reason as to why marriages are falling apart.
if u chose your partner based on the right reasons,then overlook his faults. because i am sure that husbands do much more for their wives than the wives realise, and vice versa. just have to put yourself in each others shoes completely, then will u see things from his or her perspective, and your heart will soften towards your spouse.

what exactly is your spouse being inconsiderate about? is it everything he does? or just certain things? im sure it cant be everything, and im also sure there are worse husbands out there. do not give up on your marriage.

i am sure you and ur husband were both raized decently, and u know the reasons why u married each other. tolerance for one another needs to be worked on. being conscious of each others needs, feelings also plays a role in a good marriage.dont be too hard on yourself, after years of living with the same person, there are bound to be times when u get on each otheres nerves. and times when u do let your guard down completely as u have reached a comfort zone, thus not as considerate of the next person as one should be. these are all normal behaviours, but u just have to speak to your husband about it.

inshAllah hope all can be sorted out :-)

[Unregistered]

I am in the same position but was raised very strictly, i had an arranged marriage and reasons for accepting he marriage was that the guy came from a good home with good values, however i had problems from the 4th month of my marriage i have ben accused at numerous times for things i have not done and lies have been spread about me continuously, my husband treats me very badly and has gone so far as to insinuate that our children are not his i have made saber as my mother has thought has to be good kind individuals but i too have reached breaking point what can we do?

[Unregistered]

Hang in there, both of you. I feel your pain. The only advice I can give you, is make sure you tell your husband how you feel. And make sure he listens, not just dismisses you! Some men think they don't have to change for their wives, because women will stay with them, they have no choice. Make all the food he hates, don't clean the house one day. If he can do as he pleases, he should realise you can as well.

I don't think it is us women. We are raised to be kind and dutiful. I think it is the way the men are raised, most of them are shockingly spoilt. I know of two teenage boys who won't even heat up food in the microwave, they will sit and wait for their mother to do it. If she is not home, they won't eat, they will still wait for her to do it. They expect their wives to do the same kind of thing. When you have your children, if they are boys, please teach them differently. I know I will.

[Guest]

Slms,

I am also in the same boat. I thought I had a good upbringing but my husband constantly tells me how rotten my family is and messed up. And how rotten to the core I am. he even went as far as telling me to change my name to make me a better person.

I am just a good wife that is always there for my husband, I do get upset quickly. My husband's insults stems from lack of responsibilities and laziness.

The things that he has recently told me in front of his mother has left me torn apart. I feel like I have lost a huge chunk of myself and I am left wondering who am I really? I have become so distant with my parents coz my husband blames my parents for my "bad upbringing" or as he likes to put it "They taught me nothing in life".

SO, here I am.. All alone after married for 6 years with 2 children and my husband wished the worst on me.. Wished that I would just meet up in an accident and die so that he can have full custody of his children.

We are still married, just try to stay out of each others' way.. I know that I a great wife with so much love to offer and only Allah knows what's in my heart and what my intention is.

I wish all of you that's going through these rocky times all strength and patience.. May Allah make it easy for you all. To me, the problem are the husbands, they don't wanna grow up and accept their responsibilities as man, husband and father.

[Unregistered]

slmz sister,
thats very compendable of u to be trying to work on ur marriage. i dont know if im giving the best advice here, but i think your husband is probably very spoilt......does not mean that he comes from a good home, that he has a good character. this is the flaw in our societies thinking, and hence the many problems in todays marriages. people seem to judge a guy or girl on the home they come from, and not the individual themselves. anyways, your husband seems to have no regard for your feelings and an elder needs to speak to him. he cannot carry on in this childish manner of accusing u of lies and saying whatever he pleases just because he feels he is in that position of authority.

maybe he is not aware that his actions are wrong? some people have grown up so accustomed to doing as they please, that they do not consider the next person. that is why it is my suggestion that an elder, someone u both trust and respect, may speak to him and bring to his attention the correct way of speaking to ones wife, and treatment of a wife as well etc.

some husbands "act out" when they are unhappy about something. in times when your husband gets angry, he probably "acts out", throws tantrums and speaks to u in any way that he pleases. he needs to speak to someone who will teach him, that in times of stress, anger, one needs to beable to control ones emotions and talk to ur wife decently.

hope that your husband can change for the better.....in terms of his behaviour. on the positive side, if he provides adequately for u and ur kids, thats at least a positive note amongst the other negatives. there is always hope of a better marriage if both parties are willing to try.
sorry that u have to go through this, may Allah swt make it easy for u IA.

[Unregistered]

I've been married 15yrs. I think that it has been a good marriage,but recently my husband has said that he feels that there is rift. And maybe we should go our separate ways. Now we rarely fight,have never really had arguments. We fight about family and how we each deal with them. I come from a close family and his is not. I've always been good to his parents and we have never had issues with them. Now I say. Go your own way if you want. I'll be fine. Just remember I stayed at home,raised our kids. Allowed your career to prosper,and when we are finely financially secure u want out. Go.....I can take care of myself. But take the kids every weekend and all the holidays. Most husbands take their wives for granted. I assure you it will be my husbands loss to walk away! I am much stronger than even I know.

[Unregistered]

OMW I am so disheartened and sad to hear all these tales of marriages on the rocks.it breaks my heart and I'm crying for all of us in this boat(which seems v big)I can not even describe my situation,I dunno how to put it I think he feels I don't do or give enough and I feel he doesn't do or give enough to this marriage.he hurts me a lot with words and actions.but he provides well for me and kids.but I want the happy ever after and hearts and flowers and he doesn't do that.and I just dream of meeting someone someday who will sweep me off my feet.if its meant to be it will come, if not then the aakhirah.allah make it easy for all of us and grant us abilty to be strong .

[Unregistered]

I can only give my opinion from a male perspective. I think all these issues in marriages these days comes down to us as Males not understanding the rights of woman in Islam, and secondly the true understanding and implementation of the sunnah of the Prophet PBUH within the framework of marriage and treating woman in general.

The Prophet had a great deal of respect, care and love towards his wives.

The Prophet PBUH has said " The best amongst you are those who are good to their woman, and i am the best to my woman" If we try to analyse this Hadith, the prophet is equating excellence to the treatment of woman, and in order for us to reach that excellence and lofty status as a man we need to treat our woman justly, with respect and fullfil her rights. If we do not know how to treat our woman properly, the prophet is telling us follow my sunnah, follow me and you will be successful

One of the prophets`s wives could not get onto her camel because it was too high, what did the prophet do? he went down on his knees and she climbed on his mubarak shoulder to get on. The greatest person to have ever walked this earth, went down on his knees so that he could assist his wife get onto her camel

Aisha RA was asked, how was the prophet in the house, she replied " He would help with the housework, sweep the house, wash his clothes as well as mend his own clothes, but when it was time for Salaah it was if he did know us" Once again from the prophetic example, he was a leader, a statesman, a general, the best of all men but in the house he assisted his wives.

The Prophet never got angry for himself or for personal reasons, the only time he got angry if Allah`s laws were violated. He was always concerned and caring towards his wives under all circumstances

There are numerous episodes and stories in the seerah of the prophet showing his kindness and compassion and love towards woman and his wives. We as males truly need to read his seerah, understand it and implement it in our lives. Its not good enough to read it only once a year, we should read it few times a year. We need to be educated in the true prophetic sunnah, we need to embody this beautiful sunnah. We need to say enough is enough, yes we made mistakes, but we are going forward with renewed vigor in treating our woman properly. Its imperative that we educate ourselves, this is the only way to success.

To the woman who are experiencing problems in their marriages, know that everything happens by the will of Allah. We are constantly tested in our lives so that we can draw nearer to Allah. Sometimes it takes a bad husband for the wife to enter jannah when she is patient with him. Aasia had Firaun as a husband but she is a lady of Jannah. Everyone`s pathway to jannah is unique. (i am in no way saying that u should accept bad behaviour from a husband and be satisfied with it).

Make dua dua dua for Allah to rectify ur situation and to turn the heart of ur husband, dua is the weapon of the beleiver. Get up in the early hours of the morning when Allah says " is there anyone out there who has a need i can fullfil" It has been proven that in performing tahajjud, a person never returns to weaker state than before.

Start taleem in ur houses, get a book on the seerah of the prophet and read a small piece everyday preferably after a meal when everyone is present. If ur husband is not interested in sitting and listening carry on reading, even if u sitting alone at the table and reading, just read loudly. Inshallah it will lead to a change in his life.

Implement the sunnah in ur lives and Inshallah it will have an effect on ur husbands and family.

I have generalised to a certain extent, im sure there are many wonderful husbands out there who treat their wives wonderful, but they are in the minority and i am only basing this on my own personal experience and observing other husbands.
May Allah give us a true understanding of the Sunnah and may I firstly take my own advise in treating my wife based on the prophetic sunnah.

Sorry for the long post

[Unregistered]

A short clip to be shown to all husbands and men in general, wonderful advise by Habib Ali Al Jifri http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fZG6ibK8mwo

[Unregistered]

It is indeed sad to see all the sad stories.. I have 1 of my own. I would like some advice please. In the 6th month of my marriage i caught my husband chatting to a white girl. For a little while i had my suspicions but brushed it off as shaytaan trying to interfere, as he was very secretive with his phone and would hide it away or keep it with him all the time, he'd get upset and fight for his phone if i had to touch it.
1 night my suspicions had gotten the better of me, when he fell asleep and so i took his phone and went through his chats. And there i found him speaking to a white girl. The worse part is that they had fairly sexual conversations. He wanted to have 'fun' I was heartbroken, a piece of me died! We were so happy, he treated me so well and told me he loves me every day all the time. I don't know what went wrong.
I wanted to wake him up but i knew he had work the next day and didnt wanna bother him, i actually did try but he was too deep in a sleep and so i left him. I then went to sleep in the other room, i cried myself sick until i eventually fell asleep at 2 am. Even then i had nightmares.
Just before fajr i knocked my phone and it made a loud sound (wooden flooring) n that woke my husband up. he came to look for me when he realized i wasn't in bed and nor in the bathroom.
He apologized over and over, said it was a mistake and he doesn't know why he did that and that he never will again. He was crying. I was broken.

After a few days i managed to get back to normal, but there are days when I break down.
He says he knows he hurt me and he never wanted to do that, he cant explain why he did what he did.
I love him alot and i want to get past this as i do somehow believe that he won't do that again, how do i move on?