Heartbroken, confused and alone!

[Unregistered]

I am feeling so despondent and unhappy and alone at the moment. Been married to my husband for almost 9 years, about a year into the marriage I found a stash of porn, i was very upset, husband apologised and we moved along. About year later same story found he was downloading porn and staying up till all hours of the morning watching porn while I was asleep. I approached him says sorry but fact is he just does it again. Last year was a really tough year for our marriage we almost ended mostly because I was unhappy and he just doesnt see it. We had a good talk decided we would start over and it went well for about a month maybe 2. We have a 3 year old daughter sleeps in her own room but we have sex only once a month? When I question him ask him if something is wrong he says everythings fine. But it cannot be normal i would love to have sex with him more than once a month and I tell him regularly. Somehow his withdrawn and isnt interested in me sexually. He is 30 years old and should be on his prime? When i speak to him about how i feel i get the silent treatment. Yesterday I found porn links on his cellphone and he denies it ? It is his cellphone how can it not be him? He laughed as if i am going insane? I would like him to take responsibility and not lie. His still watching porn deleted his browing history but i went onto his websites visited on his iphone and there evidence is there. I dont know how what to do. I am blaming myself. Maybe i let myself go? Maybe his jst not into me? I dont know. I am so unhappy we live with my inlaws and i am very close with my mil considering speaking to her? I am feeling so depressed and have just been going to my Musallah seems this is bigger than what i can endure. Please someone help. I love my husband but i dont trust him and When i look at him I find myself questioning his words and what his thinking.

[Ummi Zahrah]

Assalamualikum Sister, I feel you shouldn't confide in mil as he is her son and her view won't be objective, firstly I suggest counselling first for yourself and then couples counselling, you have to make your feelings known to him, perhaps write him a letter stating everything,that way he can't laugh or deny it, perhaps print proof or screen grab it so the reality of what his doing will set in, also when u address the issue don't sound like you disgusted or look down on him, make him know that he has a problem and you willing to help him through it,you in my duas,may Allah guide us all and save us from zina.

[fee qalbee]

Dear sister. With regard to yor husband and porn, I fully relate to the anguish you feel and the destruction to your marriage. The fundamental of trust has been broken and not once but over and over. I was in a similiar situation and it is a miserable feeling. Know that you have done no wrong, he is addicted to porn and his nafs make him go back not you! Allah brings you close to him,seek him,pray and turn to him, but there are times when you feel you cannot go on and bear it any longer,especially when you give your all,yet their is no compassion from his side and you become the bad one. Consult ulama,darul ihsaan or someone you trust for guidance. Think of allah and know that no matter what he is all seeing and is the most just and wil not abandon his true servant though you feel alone.

[Unregistered]

Slmz sister. Please don't tell MIL anything as such. When it comes down to it she will most likely defend her son , condone it and say you are the problem. My MIL told me its NORMAL for your husband to look at other women - I must accept it. She even condoned her sons watching porn when someone told her that they were doing that. She said "So what" ... There was another story of similar nature in the forum. Have a read maybe some of the advice given there could apply to you. May Allah make it easy on you. *duas are with you*

[Unregistered]

Shukran for the words of understanding and motivation to get this sorted once and for all. Its now day 3 and husband still not talking to me. Not a word, Im being given the cold shoulder as if I watched the porn. Algamdoelilah Allah is making me very strong I have not cried once i am determined to get to the bottom of this. I will not tall to him until he comes to me i find his attitude childish. You cant just ignore your problems. Making lots of duah and just going to keep strong. May the Almighty make it easy on all our marriages and protect and guide us to do whats right InshaaAllah.

[Unregistered]

husbands seldomn realise how there actions can destroy everything we believe in ourselves..I really think u need to counselling, if u are down and destroyed there is no way u can help lift ur marriage. Its easy saying this is not ur fault, but u need to realise and believe it with all ur being. U need to rise above this and see ur own self worth and what an amazing being Allah has created within u, as u see this, tthe dimensions of what u value within urself changes and the impression he finds from u changes. U are no mans doormat, whethr u love him or not.. Only once u realise that can u make him realise that. I do firmly believe that Allah has blessed us with amazing strength, to be mothers, daughters and wives but the truth is that we are so busy fulfilling all these responsibilitys and often sacrificing ourselves... Sometimes we forget that Allah has entrusted "our" life as the biggest responsibility to us, ensuring we are happy, we are taken care of and we are ok. I hope u can go for counseling and find the bbeautiful women u have forgotten u are, if u have stuck by him, then u are also forgiving, compassionate, kind.. forgiving, is admirable and noble but making a habbit sacrificing wat ur rights are is stupid. If u dnt value urself he wnt. Become confident in who u are then Sit down with him, try not to cry and tel him firmly that porn is not acceptable and u wil not tolerate it, he needs to fulfil ur rites as a wife and if he agrees u will stand by him and help him thru this addiction. He needs to take action to ensure this change and this needs to come from him, changin his pphn, goin for counseling and finding himself. I know ur pain, i come from the same experience, but I also know that Allah has given u the strength.