View Full Version : fed up

22-03-2013, 11:45 AM
salaams please post as anonymous. im so fed up i really dont know what to do nemre,im married for 3 years to the only son. welive next to my in laws. my mil does not give me ne space. i feel like my newly wed days were doomed because of her she invades my privacy. i do understand i am a dil to her now but i am also her sons wife. im so sorry to say but shes always phoning hubby at the wrong time or knocking at the door at that time. its happened repeatedly so much so i dont feel like being initimate nemre because im so sure she will interupt.my fil works on most weekends. i dont mind taking her with on one of the days to do her houshold shopping beause i understand she needs things. but she cums withus on sat and sun. not leaving us alone ever. so even we planning a supper for the 2 of us she will come wid and expect us to go home wen she wants. she doesnt give me space at home and niether does she give me space wen im out of the house. i cant have not a single moment without her intruding between me and my hubby.if she is walking past us and i say something (anything) to hubby or he says something to me she will walk in and ask what we talking about. is that even fair? its none of anybodys business about what we talk about. i have just had it. honestly my husband doesnt understand this he does get that i get annoyed but he doesnt say nething to her. i feel ike in this 3 years i havent spent the time i wudv like to spend with him because of her over noseyness and pushy nature. i feel like my newly wed days have slipped by. she wants to be apart of everything between us. it makes me so scared to think wat will hgapen wen we have kids (if we even get to it if she ever leaves us alone) because i know wid kids getting alone time is difficult. so it will be worst den. i jus cant take it nemre. advise pleasse. n no nasty comments

22-03-2013, 02:23 PM
I know exactly how u feel, I hav a mothr in law just d same and I can't spk to my hubby bcoz he says I am the one always havin a problem, he doesn't blv we need space. I'm so sick of it n sick of feeling like I havto fight for my husband! I just make duaa..

22-03-2013, 02:29 PM
been in a similar situation. First make shukr that you do not live in the same house as your inlaws. Sister, put your foot down and set your boundaries. If possible move away from her, if not stand up for your self and stop letting her take advantage. Explain to hubby that you can't carryon like this as it is just not on for a newly married couple. You really don't want to have regret for loosing out on the first few precious years later!! Sit down and speak to your m in law if possible. Explain to her that there is a line and she is crossing it. tell her that on either sat or sun (set an day and time) u guys will take her but the other day is for your time alone. be very nice and explain that you love her very much but you need your space. DO NOT answer the door if it doesn't seem urgent. she will get the picture after a few times. Sometimes you have to just say things as they are and get it over with. tell hubby to stay out of it and let it be between u and her. and that his relationship with his mother must not be affected. encourage him to buy her flowers, gifts etc and say its from the two of u- but at the same time, put your foot down! dont allow her to cross the line! May Allah give you sabr and change your situation. Women must learn to Draw the line with mother in laws from day1! and it must be clear that neither must cross that line. it saves marriages and loads of stress later!

22-03-2013, 11:06 PM
Salaams sister. It is actually amazing how many of us have this sort of problem. I have had so much misery from my in laws , MIL and FIL. My husband also never stood up for me at the time. Maybe something is wrong with me because I believe in personal space - not even talking about space of a couple. Just your own space. Everyone has a right to their privacy, unfortunately , in laws don't see it that way. They believe they are entitled to enslave you and know everything. My MIL used to call me in the mornings just to see if I was sleeping, if I didn't answer the phone - they would harass my husband until he called me and confirmed if I was asleep or what I was doing. Mine even insisted she needed to come to gym with us LOL! (I laugh about it now but I still remember how furious I was)

Have you spoken to your parents about it? Do they know what is going on?

You need to have a sit down with your hubby and tell him if he wants the marriage to work he needs to speak to his mother about her behaviour. You must make it clear that you are not asking him to scream shout or be mean to her... You're asking him to help you make your marriage work. She can be told politely that she is over doing it. If he doesn't want to do it, then you tell him you are going to speak to your family about it - get them to intervene. If you say anything to her she will blow it up. So get your family involved and if you have a family moulana get him involved. This behaviour is UNISLAMIC. Having been through (and still dealing with) such a situation, I honestly feel for you. I spent the first 2years of my marriage crying because of in laws- mind you my husband is not the only son. I had to go to a psychologist for therapy because I have depression. Some people may think its lame but the impact of your in laws can actually give you mental problems.

Space & boundaries are so important. I strongly suggest speaking to your family (with a moulana) and tell them that this is what is going and what its doing to you. If you don't stop it now it will never end - she will walk all over you... Your family will understand. Write down everything that is bugging you about the situation and have a meeting with your family. Maybe even get them to speak to your husband first before they have a discussion with your in laws. Your husband might actually speak up for you then. If not have the intervention. Allah knows best. May Allah make it easy on you and grant you the strength to overcome these hurdles. Ameen.