View Full Version : dont know wat to do

03-10-2012, 06:41 PM
Aslms I'm so tired at this point,
Here's my story:I've been married 7 years
During which my x cheated on me with various women
For the past 4 years one of these
Women became a permant feature in our life
I still remained in the marriage
Last year after discovering some of
These possesions in my x car I called her
She was rude,arrogant and told me
I am insane my x doesn't live with me
He left me along time ago any how that escalated
To a point were by I called her family relatives for assistance in that matter
My x got naar at me for that packed
Up all his possesions and left
After a month his vists became frequent we. Share a child I handled
The situation maturely and dealt him as a vistor.
3 weeks ago he married that women
During which time he was here most of the time
When he returned from honeymoon
He began harassin me has accused me of cheating,
Of being an incompete woman and so forth,I let it be
He started checking up on me and basically
Wanted every detail of my life
So I sat him down and explained to him
That I'm happy for him,I have made peace and let him go
And we are just 2 people that share a child that's all
He listened then. Threaten me to kick me out of our home
I don't have a job,nor a family I can go to,I can't file a police report the premsis is on his name
He pays rent,food,lights water.
Should I tell his wife what he is doing?
What should I do?
Jee I have been looking for a job unfortunatly its difficult to come by and the pay is next to nnothing
He just sent me a host of sms's
Coz I was in my room and not in sight,called me b word asked if I'm fed up of being a mother.
Can do this anymore ya Allah I'm so tired of living in fear so tired of being controlled :(

04-10-2012, 01:39 PM
Slmz sister.. U didn't mention ur family? Maybe they can help u til u can find ur feet.. Perhaps u should speak to an elder from ur family n ask them to speak to him on ur behalf. Dont forget u also have rights. He may be paying for everything but he is doing it for his child he shouldn't hold that over ur head, that's his duty! Allah make it easy for u. Insha Allah.

04-10-2012, 01:57 PM
may Allah swt make things easy for u.
is this new wife, the second wife? or has your husband divorced u?. if he has divorced u, he has no right engaging in your affairs.
he needs to provide for the child, those are his obligations.
perhaps the best is to ask skilled ulema for advice, they wont only give u advice, but also numbers to contact that can aid u in this dilema.

i am concerned as u have no income, but having that said, contact the ulema, there is a link somewhere in this nanima forum where u can post ur problems and they will respond. i am sure there are people out there who will beable to give u a job.....and that there are other ladies in your situation who have found jobs. everything takes time, do not despair as hard as it may seem.

as far as this man harrasing you, he has no rights coming into your home unannounced, whether he pays the rent or not, he should visit only for the childs well-being, and have contact with the child. there is no reason for him to contact u in the day with threatening messages.
perhaps the ulema have some connections with lawyers who are willing to assist in such situations by advising on the legal aspect of things, without charging u too much, or maybe even offering their advice for free (as i know money is not at your doorstep right now).

i understand your fear, as it is your home that u are being threatened to be thrown out off. recite ayatul qursi everyday, may Allah swt protect u from further trauma inshAllah ameen.

also, once u have found a decent job, maybe research places (flat or seperate entrance to a house), which u can afford the rent yourself, that way, boundaries can be set and he will hopefully have minimal contact with u.

goodluck inshAllah your situation will get better :-)

08-10-2012, 02:37 PM

Control is a two way street. The first step to empowering yourself and allowing yourself to take back control of your life is to realise what are the thinking patterns you have that are making you feel controlled. For example, if he insults you, you have a choice whether to believe what he says is true or not and this is one way to free yourself, to allow your thoughts to dominate anything he tells you.

Secondly in any situation, no matter how helpless, there are always certain resources and options available. I would recommend you begin by making a list of short term, small realistic goals, for example, I will believe something good about myself every day. Once you start achieving your small goals, you can gradually set bigger goals. Also perhaps speak to those who care about you about what strengths and talents you possess. Once you realise what strengths lie withing yourself you will then start to apply this in the outside world, and Insha Allah be able to take back control of your situation.

Lastly, keep up hope and faith in Allah SWT because he created you with beauty and purpose, and he will open up the way for these to be realised

I shall definitely keep you in my du'as.

Noorjehan Joosub (Ms)
Registered Counselling Psychologist
HPCSA No: PS0109568

03-11-2012, 10:23 PM
Slms sister we make dua that all is well. I agree with what sister Noorjehaan is saying, especially empowerment which you trying to do...well done!!! mashallah. If you interestes I heard that SANZAF has an entrepreneurship program that empowers people in similar circumstances to start their own businesses. Wslm Best Wishes