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sad
17-09-2012, 11:15 AM
Slms. My husband has been previously married. He only got married to her because she fell pregnant. The got divorced and now we are married for more than a year.

The thing is that she will always call him if things break in their house or they need something, she constantly call him for this and that. I wouldn't mind if it was for the child but the thing its not for the child at all.

My husband says that I should stop going on like that that i must remember that he does it for the child but her needing a gardner has nothing to do with the child at all. she knows exactly when im at work and will call him when im at home or weekend then she will never call.

and I also have a problem with the child he never seems to listen to me. he simply ignores me and when his around the father he is simply the sweetes angel.

I spoke to my husband and he told me that I must stop being a child. He wants me to be a parent to this child but how am i supposed to be if he doesn't respect me at all.

Unregistered
27-09-2012, 10:16 AM
I know how you feel. Im going through the same thing.....

Unregistered
29-09-2012, 11:04 PM
Its a horrible thing, I'm going thrgh the same thing, I'm considering leaving my hubby coz its creating problems, he hides the fact that he spks to them etc

Ml.Habib Bobat
01-10-2012, 07:50 AM
و عليكم السلام و رحمة الله.

Nikah/Marriage is a unique bond trough which Allah grants amazing love between the spouses, one should enter into Nikah with the correct intention and the correct mind frame.

This case requires further details, however I will try and assist by giving you some general assistance.

In order to reach some conclusion, one should sit down and ask oneself the following questions

1. Why did you get married to your partner?
2. What attracted you to your partner?
3. Did you know that he was married before?
4. If you knew that he was married before, then what led you to marry him?
5. Did you ask him why did his previous marriage brake up?
6. After marrying you, what will happen to the previous partner,will he still be seeing her or not?
8. If he will be seeing her than for what reasons and to what extent it will be agreed upon?
8. What assurance does he provide you in your marriage?
9. Does he take interest in you or not?
10.What is the key issue that's taking the marriage in the current direction?
11. Is it because of lack of interest on your side?
12. Are you been over protective?

Together with that draw the divine blessings of Allah in one's marriage by implementing the Sunnan of Nabi (S.A.W) and constantly making dua for each other.


And Allah knows best

ML.Habib Bobat

Unregistered
01-10-2012, 09:39 AM
My husband does the same he even goes as far as deleting the call register. She moved back in with her mother. She has a good job but never has money for things in the house we land up buying groceries and all she can do is buy clothes for herslf.

it just eeeks me out that my hard earned money must be used to support her!!!!!! Myself and my husban have endless fights about her always needing a lift here or there this or that she'll call at the oddest of times saying that she doesnt have toilet paper. I mean go and buy it yourself woman!!!!!

The other day she never had water at home so she waltzes into his parents house to take a shower there and it bothers nobody, this woman has no boundries.

Unregistered
01-10-2012, 03:37 PM
After reading ML Bobat's response, I am curious abt the following: Did it not make you stop and think that he got a woman pregnant before marriage? Was this acceptable to you and your family?
Secondly, did it not stop and make you think before you got married that he has a child and what it would mean to you? His first wife will always be a part of his life and his child will be the centre of his life. I am not judging you nor is this an admonishment, but I tried to picture myself in your shoes and this is the concerns that I would have had as well as my family. To all the sisters that commented, I must say that you have a huge amount of sabr and in sha Allah, you will be rewarded. To the poster, this situation is something that should be discussed between your families. I also think that maybe the child feels that you will take his father away from him so spend time with just the 3 of you. Show him that you will be his second mother and will not replace his mother and that you will not interfere in the relationship between him and his dad.Good luck.

Unregistered
02-10-2012, 11:48 AM
After reading ML Bobat's response, I am curious abt the following: Did it not make you stop and think that he got a woman pregnant before marriage? Was this acceptable to you and your family?
Secondly, did it not stop and make you think before you got married that he has a child and what it would mean to you? His first wife will always be a part of his life and his child will be the centre of his life. I am not judging you nor is this an admonishment, but I tried to picture myself in your shoes and this is the concerns that I would have had as well as my family. To all the sisters that commented, I must say that you have a huge amount of sabr and in sha Allah, you will be rewarded. To the poster, this situation is something that should be discussed between your families. I also think that maybe the child feels that you will take his father away from him so spend time with just the 3 of you. Show him that you will be his second mother and will not replace his mother and that you will not interfere in the relationship between him and his dad.Good luck.

with regards to the above.... yes all these were questioned. My family was totally against the fact that he was married befor and that he has a child from this woman... But what is LOVE do you just ignor it and hope that the feeling you have for this person goes away.
The child practically lives with us and he spend most of his time with us. I'm more of a mother to him than what his own mother is. I'm the one that sits up with him if his sick Im the one that helps him with his home work and yet he has no respect for me when we are alone. he even went as far as telling me that this is not my house its his fathers and he will not listen to me at all..... So what am i supposed to do?? His father has an excuse for everything that this child does... because he comes out of a divorced house it does not make it ok for him to talk to me like that or anybody for that fact... I've reached a point where I dont tell my husband anything his child says to me just so that I can avoid all the tension and unplesentness in the house.
With this woman I totally agree that he has a relationship with this woman because they have a child together but her needing things done for her which has nothing to do with the child is totally unaccebtable. I mean she was the one that walk out and wanted to end their relationship so why is it ok for her to want my husban to do things for her household??????

I love my husband more than anything but it does hurt and I suppose you will never know until you are in the same shoes trying really really hard not to let it bother you but believe me its not that easy to just ignore.

Ml.Habib Bobat
02-10-2012, 08:34 PM
السَّلَامُ عَلَيْكُمُ وَرَحْمَةُ اللَّهِ وَبَرَكَاتهُ
May Allah assist and aid you in your dilemma. In order to win the love of both father and son, you should first try and win the child over to your side, and and by winning the childs love you will automatically win the fathers love this could be achieved by adopting the following measures .....

1. Become the child's best friend, this could be achieved by taking interest in the child's life and showing him that you care,so become a caring parent and not a critical parent
2.Make the child feel important by asking him simple questions like how was your day at school, what did you learn, what's your favorite food etc......
3.Give him so much love that he doesn't feel the absence of his previous mother.Make him such an integral part of your life that he looks forward to seeing you.
4.Occasionally buy him gifts for instance a simple thing like chocolate.
5.Be there for his special occasions

So by winning the child,you will automatically win the father because of the attachment he has with the child

Lastly remember that whatever has happened in the past is gone and done there's no use crying over the spilled milk.

May you achieve your goals in life with the help of allah....

And Allah knows best

Ml.Habib Bobat

Unregistered
08-10-2012, 10:52 AM
Asslamu alaykum

When I got married one of my friends who is tripple my age who got married at her age to a Professor in Law who also has kids of his own gave me the following advice.
She said: " you must know something, his children will always come first and if you want your marriage to succeed you must accept this and put them first as well. By marrying a man who has children you are accepting that you will be second. If your ego is too big walk out now not once you are married. If you can do that my friend i wish a blissful marriage. "
And if i ever feel that his child is too much for me I think about this statement and I realise that if I want to be happy I have to put them first.

Children are children and if you buy into a small child playing you up against his biological mom and dad he will play you. Even your own children will do it - play mom up against dad. Never ever ever argue infront of the child. Discuss the matter away from the child and come out of the discussion with a resolved decision that both parents have decided upon. That way there is no leeway for the kiddie to be the puppet master.

In terms of the x - you and hubby will have to create a list of what is in the childs best interest that the mommy needs and what not. Gardener she will have to ask her own family to find for her. How you are going to do this I dont know.

Insha Allah all works out in the best possible way for you.