View Full Version : dont love mum @ all

30-07-2012, 04:45 PM
Slmz all. Ever since I was young, I despised my mother. I never liked her, had thoughts of killing her, when we fought would want to kill myself. We never got along, she hit me for things I didn't do when young and was always dismissive. I really can't stand her. I am now married with children and I would have thought it would get better but each time I go to her house we have a major screaming fight and I land up leaving. Its small stupid things which make me angry and then it blows out of proportion. Most of these fights involves her contradicting herself constantly, never caring about anyone but herself, never having time for any of us. For her to even come visit me at my house I need to ask or beg. I am so frustrated and feel like just cutting her out of our lives completely or just not talking to her at all anymore. I need some advise on what to do.

31-07-2012, 09:48 AM
Sometimes our parents may not be the easiest people to get along with. They are still our parents. They say Jannah lies beneath the feet of the mother. You have to work to get Jannah right. Your mother is your test. You have two choices be patient with your mother or get angry. Make the right choice to enter Jannah. Maybe write your mum a beautiful letter. tell her how much you love her and thank her for everything she has done for you. reflect on all the good things about your mother. it is very difficult to change others. we can only change our own attitudes. Change your attitude towards your mother. remove all those yellow glasses as they call it and see her as a person. forgive her and let go of all that baggage you are carrying from your childhood. treat your mother kindly even if she treats you horribly. this is your test and please do not barter jannah by loosing your temper with your mother. Be patient.. everytime you visit her great he with the most beautiful greet Assalamwalaykum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatu. Peace, blessing and mercy be upon you. Do not talk about things that are going to upset you. let go of all those things. life is very very short. ask your mum to make lots of dua for you while she is alive. mothers duas are accepted. unfortunately sometimes they maybe going through own stresses or hormonal imbalances or something that makes them act irrationally. be patient with her.. Allah make it easy for you inshaAllah.

Please reflect deeply on the Hadith and Quranic Ayah below
The Quran
1. "We have enjoined on man kindness to his parents; in pain did his mother bear him, and in pain did she give him birth" (46:15).
2. "Thy Lord hath decreed that ye worship none but Him, and that ye be kind to parents. Whether one or both of them attain old age in thy life, say not to them a word of contempt, nor repel them, but address them in terms of honor. And out of kindness, lower to them the wing of humility, and say: ‘My Lord! bestow on them Thy Mercy even as they cherished me in childhood' "(17:23-24).
3. "We have enjoined on man and woman kindness to parents; but if they (either of them) strive (to force) thee to join with Me anything of which thou hast no knowledge, obey them not'" (29:8).
4. "We have enjoined on man and woman (to be good) to his/her parents; show gratitude to Me and to thy parents; to Me is (thy final) Goal. If they (parents) strive to make thee join in worship with Me things of which thou hast no knowledge, obey them not; yet bear them company in this life with justice (and consideration) and follow the way of those who turn to Me (in love)" (31:14-15).
The Hadith
1. The Prophet Muhammad said, may Allah's peace and blessings be upon him: Your Heaven lies under the feet of your mother (Ahmad, Nasai).
2. A man came to the Prophet and said, ‘O Messenger of God! Who among the people is the most worthy of my good companionship? The Prophet said: Your mother. The man said, ‘Then who?' The Prophet said: Then your mother. The man further asked, ‘Then who?' The Prophet said: Then your mother. The man asked again, ‘Then who?' The Prophet said: Then your father. (Bukhari, Muslim).
3. Abu Usaid Saidi said: We were once sitting with Rasulullah when a man from the tribe of Salmah came and said to him: O Messenger of Allah! do my parents have rights over me even after they have died? And Rasulullah said: Yes. You must pray to Allah to bless them with His Forgiveness and Mercy, fulfill the promises they made to anyone, and respect their relations and their friends (Abu Dawud and Ibn Majah).
4. Abdullah ibn Amr related that the Messenger of Allah said: The major sins are to believe that Allah has partners, to disobey one's parents, to commit murder, and to bear false witness (Bukhari, Muslim).
5. It is narrated by Asma bint Abu Bakr that during the treaty of Hudaibiyah, her mother, who was then pagan, came to see her from Makkah. Asma informed the Messenger of Allah of her arrival and also that she needed help. He said: Be good to your mother (Bukhari, Muslim).

31-07-2012, 12:36 PM
I am sure it must be very difficult for you and frustrating. We all long to have parents who can be an example to us and can be there for us when we need them. Unfortunately, our parents are human beings and have flaws in their characters - sometimes these are extremely difficult to contend with as they may know how to press our buttons and get under our skin.
Sister, my advice to you would me to take the road of moderation - instead of cutting her out completely, rather take a step back. Change your expectations of her - if you don't expect anything of her then you cannot be disappointed. If you invite her to your house and she refuses, accept it with calmness and understand that it has very little to do with you. She is the way she is because of some personal problem of her own. Inshallah, this will help you in the long run as it will not mess with your emotions and cause you heartache.
Also make lots of duaa for her and ask Allah to grant you patience and wisdom to deal with her.
Allah chooses our parents for us and sometimes they are a test for us.
I understand it must be very heartbreaking for you to not have the kind of mother that you want but all you can do is keep yourself on an even keel so that you can be the best mother for your own children and not repeat the cycle.
This advice comes from my heart as I too have had similar problems with my mother and I am also a mother now. May Allah make it easy for us both. Ameen

31-07-2012, 02:59 PM
I agree with all the above. I have also had similar issues and it helps me to remember that you can't change who she is or what she does. You can only change the way you respond to her and the way you react to things that she does.
While this may be challenging, accepting who she is will go a long way in helping you find peace with it all. Putting some distance between you may even improve your relationship and reduce your stress levels. She is a test for you and when you are ready to, be kind to her when you can and when you do see her. She is the way she is because of her own life experiences, things that have happened to her since her childhood have shaped who she is today. Understanding that may also help you gain a different perspective of her. By doing these things, I have found that I'm a much happier person. Like the previous posts also said, make lots of dua for her and for yourself, have faith in Allah and have faith that Allah knows what is best for you. Allah doesn't gives us challenges that are bigger than we can handle. Be strong and May Allah make it easy for you. Ameen

01-08-2012, 07:17 AM
I agree. Never ever cut your Mother , father, brother or sister out of your life. Have patience, and respect. Ignore the bad. Remember the good. If people lived by the Quranic rules that you obey and respect your parents no matter what, life would be simpler and the world more pleasant. Accept you brothers, sisters, and parents and love them no matter what. You may not like them or agree with them, and they may be the most frustrating individuals in the world, and you don't have to always socialise with them, but never cut them out of your or your childrens' lives.