View Full Version : i feel like a failure / loser

15-01-2013, 01:00 PM

I require sum advice please. alhamdullilah I am married and a mom of a beautiful baby girl. I love my husband and daughter very much but at times I feel miserable and like a failure. When I was schooling I was an A student. My parents were soproud of me and when I finished school wanted me to study. I also wanted the same and did begin my sudies. But I met sumone and fell in love, and my parents were not happy. They brought me back home and asked me to keep away from him and took away me cellphone. I however continued to study from home, but I cudnt forget this boy and went behind my parents back meetin him and getting a celphone to keep in contact with him. I felt my parents were being unfair and not givin him a chance. But in the end they were rite and he just turned out to be a player. I was so hurt and lost. I wanted to continue to study but cudnt face my parents. My mum hates me till today and tells me I'm a failure and always compares me to others who have made sumthin on their lives. After what happened, I got a proposal and decided to get married. Alhamdullilal I am happy, although my hubby is not rich and we are struggling a bit financially but alhamdullilah with allahs help we go on each day. But I still feellike a loser at times, coz my mum still wud say at times how I am a nuthin and I didn't study and become anythin so now I must suffer.
My friends studied and look at them how they have excelled and I'm just a failure. Now I can't help but fee tht way about myself too. I can't help but think had I studied and not gotten involved wit tht boy I could have been a lawyer or doctor or sumthin big, and earning well and my husband and I wouldn't be financially unstable today and we cud give our daughter all her hearts desires.. Am I really a failure?

16-01-2013, 02:59 PM
No you're not a failure. Success and Failure are never measured by how financially stable we are, but only by our deeds and our strict adherence to the Shar'iah. Islam is strongly opposed to women working in the public domain anyways.

Ma'a Salama

16-01-2013, 03:05 PM
Wow that is quite a situation you are in. I can understand how you feel. Success (and failure) and measured differently by different ppl. I am doing my PhD, and I just got married. Before I did, I was considered a failure because I didn't have a husband at 26. Now, although I am married, I don't have children. The more traditional women tell me the same thing as they did before. Your mother is being unfair. Mine is very similar, so I feel your pain. You cannot please everybody. Don't try. You have a beautiful child, and a good husband. That is a measure of success. If it is not enough for you, think about correspondence or night school. You should feel successful, and nobody else should matter. That other guy is in the past, as is your choice to get married. Leave them there, and embrace your future.

16-01-2013, 03:17 PM

you are not a failure.....u have a beautiful child and a loving husband. that equals a happy home, thus no matter what financial trials u are going thru, u have a loving husbands support, that is what counts in life. to be married to someone who is there for you, during the good times and bad. alhumds u have found someone like that, so u are not failure at all.

money will come and go, and one day u will be financially stable too! everything in life takes time and each of us have different trials to deal with.

as it was mentioned so beautifully above.....a measure of success is how much effort we make with our character and getting closer to our creator. it was taqdeer that u met that other guy, and taqdeer that u met your husband after that. had u never met that guy, maybe u would not have known what a gem your husband is, someone reliable etc. unlike the other guy.

so everything in life happens for a reason. maybe campus at that time in ur life was not the best thing for u, thats why it did not happen.

just like marriage for me, did not happen at a young age, as maybe i would not have been able to cope. even though i wish i had met someone earlier in life, it just didnt happen as yet for me. i am now in my late 20's and in the medical profession, but still have a yearning for a family, and once i am married, i probably will not pursue my career full time, but on a locum basis if i can afford it.

appreciate the present and all your loved ones in it. life is too short to be negative.
just think positive thoughts and focus on all the blessings u have. you can still study through unisa if that is what u desire.

but be at peace in ur heart, as u have fulfilled a great sunnah, that is marriage.......half your imaan mashAllah.

hope this helps,

16-01-2013, 04:01 PM
Slm, I know how u feel, I'm going through a similar situation and what I can tell you from my perspective is that u need to be happy with your life, and yes your mother is wrong for saying the things she does and it hurts but if u completely content with your life, no one can make you feel bad about your life not even your own mother. All parents want the best for their kids and maybe she means well at the end of the day you need to be happy with your life. So the question is are you truly happy with your life? If not YOU need to find out what is lacking and deal with it. We are fortunate to have good husbands and beautiful, healthy children, there are so many ppl out there struggling to have babies and that's all they ever want. Every body has their own needs and definition of happiness and success, you need to find yours, for only then will you feel better about yourself and not allow anyone to get inside your head. I wish you all the best.

16-01-2013, 05:08 PM
Salaams sister. You say that you wish you could have given your daughter more. As a mother, to me, the time I give my children is priceless. Rozi and takdeer is controlled by Allah. Whatever is meant to come for you will come only when it is meant to come. Make lots of zikr and read Surah Waqiyah daily. Condition yourself to start being more positive otherwise your husband and daughter will pick up on it. This time in your daughters life will never come back and those mums who have to work really miss out. Enjoy and appreciate that time. Your husband does not seem to impose on you to contribute financially. What you have is more precious than money. How can that be considered failing?

16-01-2013, 05:32 PM
You are a failure because you fail to realise your own self-worth.
If you don't like something about your life change it. Its never too late to continue your studies, if that's what you want.
Don't judge yourself by anyone's standards. Set your own!

16-01-2013, 09:12 PM
As a working mom I envy u yes I may hav a good job but I dnt hav the time wth my kids u r so lucky that u hav a good husband and ur past is jus dat ur past .. Ppl who judge r insecure remember our life is planned by the almighty embrace it !

17-01-2013, 05:39 PM
Slm we all have areas in life that people look at n feel we r lacking or complete failures.I am almost in my mid 20s n have had so much to deal with I'm still studying not working and so people feel I should just get married...........had I been married and not studyin they would have had something else to say...my point is that u have to be content wit ur life not everyone around u.Trust that ur creator has a reason for ur past and one day u will see why u had to go down that road...As long as u make ????? n believe that Allah knows best u will never be somewhere that u r not meant to be ....