getting married, could he still be using drugs

[Nanima]

Slms nanima, i am on the verge of possibly getting engaged. i have been speaking to this person for a year and a half and initially we met up, not frequently but we did. im not proud of it but for the last half year all we do is IM we want all the barakat in marriage insha Allah. my prob is i found out that before we got together he had used drugs. he has assured me that it hasnt happened in a while and i decided not to be judgemental and believe him. besides, he's got a good head and seems mature and is islamic concscious ands thata also y i gave it a chance... i always make dua that Allah direct me towards marriage if he is good for me. my mother then met him and said he seemed like a good boy aside from one thing which worried her, his eyes were sunken n red. i havent told her bout the past because my family has no tolerance not even of past drug use. But when she met him i seen him too n also noticed his eyes but dint say anything even when she commented on it after. he's never given reason to suspect him, not even varied moods or anything but that day he looked it. could it be nerves on meeting my mother ? has anyone had a similar situation? and can u take it as a sign in answer to duas... i really wanna be wrong but im justso lost.

[Unregistered]

I don't know whether he's on or off it. Just want to say, if it's hard drugs, those dudes don't leave that stuff so easily hey.

Safe than sorry.

[Unregistered]

will he consent to a random drug test...tmrw??

[Unregistered]

Never marry sum1 knowing they on drugs. It can caus alota problems. Drug users will lie repetitively n make promises they cnt kp. Red eyes r defntly a sign of drug use. B careful n consult ur parents b4 decidin 2 marry. U hav evry ryt. 2 ask 4 a drug test othawise until he cleans up his act.

[Unregistered]

If you have even the slightest doubt, which is apparent from your question - don't marry him. And don't keep anything from your parents. They are looking out for your best interests!

[Unregistered]

Your mother seems to sense something to be worried about and even you seem to be concerned. If it were me I'd rather play it safe. Besides looking for a husband you need to look for qualities of a future father to your kids. So many girls seem to say that all the boys have something in their past. If you make dua and leave it in Allahs hand you will إنشاء الله find someone worthy. Don't rush and just settle. Marriage is tough enough without added complications.

[Unregistered]

he has offered the test. but i guess it would have to be random?

i dint meet him in a chatroom but we IM as in whatsapp only thats to try and hav less contact. inshA Allah

@ patience - i dont know for sure and im trying to think with my head thats y im asking these qs ... i cant go to family and i dont tell my friends much because things have a way of blowing up in your face

[Unregistered]

@ the person who says look for a future father to your kids, isnt it kinda hard if theyre all lying?
i can say that about him... he covers my weaknesses in character. for example im short tempered and he thinks n reasons
everyone wants that n sometimes someone with a past can be better than someone without one if he cleans up.... he's been through alot, his dad was murdered, has alota resposibility which he takes on willingly ... its never clear cut

[Unregistered]

Judging from ur last 2 posts I'd say u pretty much have ur mind made up and u do want to marry this guy, so why come ask for advice here? Its clear u think he's good for u , u dig ur hole u sleep in it! No such thing as drug addicts clearing themselves up iv been working with drug addicts and its a total failure. Once a drug addict always a drug addict! Places like RAUF and rehab centers alike think theyr doing people good, but iv seen drugs being sold at those places, don't make the mistake, but if ur minds made up then kindly dig a hole deep enough to fit u both in so as to keep ur future problems to urself. Also please and not bring children to this world if drugs are involvd. Love life is a fairy tale , slap urslef and wake up.

[Unregistered]

i dug no hole.... but i do believe in the power of dua made with faith n sincerity
i also believe that a muslim has somethin extra in his favour because of his imaan and for him to turn to Allah is not an impossibilty.
for people of no faith theres no escape but for those with faith it is possible that the realization of something bigger and someone hearing there souls cry can pull them out of darkness. compare the suicide rate in muslims as compared to the rest of the world. that is y if u see islamic inclination is someone isnt it better to harnass that inclination. im not saying he is or isnt doing. im saying i have good intentions in the end my creator will decide for me. n yes i am confused and worried but thats no reason to think yourself so much better than someone that u can pass judgement on whether he really can or cannot turn his life around.....i heard a lecture today, we dont know if a person who is so pious is in a better position in the eyes of Allah than one who seems faithless. Allah knows best.

[Unregistered]

Depends what type of drugs he using. Some drugs like heroine cause the pupils become small so nex time chek the eyes

[Unregistered]

Salaams sister

I speak from experience. I am a recovered alcoholic, who also used lots and lots of drugs. I am now 2 years and 8 months sober. I have been through rehabs, but I also now have a program which works 100%, the program of Alcoholic Anonymous. This is a spiritually based program. I have no fear of relapse.

Please do not listen to people who say that a drug addict will never change. This is not true. I have recovered myself (though never cured) and I have seen so many others recover too. And believe me, I used "hard drugs." I personally know people with long term sobriety (20+ years). This is a fact.

People can and do change. A guy having red eyes can mean nothing. From time to time my eyes are red too, which could mean any number of things. It is NOT a definite indicator of drug use. Obviously I would suggest you take certain cautionary measures, but please keep in mind that people can and do change. As you have already mentioned, do not discard the power of dua, coupled with a spiritual connection to our Creator.

I am also planning to get married in a few months, Insha Allah, and my future wife and her family know all about me.

I wish you all of the best Insha Allah

[Unregistered]

What precautionary measures do u mean? Tests also? Problem i have with it is its accuracy.

N telling my parents? Theyre the exact opposite of open minded they will not hear anything after 'drugs' besides mum seen his eyes n said 'im not sayin he is doin anything but im gonna look in to it'

So im letting her do her digging silently.
She said either she digs the answer is no, they cant take the risk. i understand her position.

My chances r slimhere actually but i do have hope he is clean.

Can anyone tell me prominent signs of a user? I know diff types produce diff symptoms but for eg is the moody thing common to all?

[Unregistered]

Well my mother found out yerterday that four years ago ge was using. thats the end of the story.

Allah is the best of planners whoever he gets will be happy i know. he is the most attentive, supportive n selfless person i know.

[Unregistered]

Yes a random test at a time you may suspect something may confirm/deny the fact. Can do the quick urine test at a facility such as SANCA, or a more comprehensive blood test at a laboratory such as Lancet, etc. Do both, if you want reasonable assurance.

There are so many signs, none of which are really conclusive or exclusive. Trying to determine based on signs will just drive you insane. You need to take the precautions (test, consult with a professional, etc) and then place your reliance and trust in Allah, and also trust this man if the results are satisfactory. You cannot live a life with someone if you do not trust them.

With regards to telling your parents, that is your decision to make. For myself, I felt it was necessary that both she and her family know my history. That way nothing could ever come up at a later stage, all was disclosed.

And Allah knows best, but you may actually be worried for no reason.

[Nanima]

there is one simple rule - when in doubt abstain. you are not married to this man and you are already feeling so much anxiety about this situation. is he on, is he not. do you really want to live your life wondering if he is on or off drugs.. if you so concerned about it now, when you married you will be 1000 times more worried about it always wondering is he or isn't he. I personally will read my istikharah and ask Allah for guidance. Ask yourself if you will be able to trust him. Always consult with parents and be open and honest with them, they always have your best interest at heart. Your life is a precious life. Make a decision to trust Allah knows best and seek his guidance. These thoughts unfortunately I think will always be playing in the background and if you go into a marriage with not trusting him,. Allah make it easy for you.

[Unregistered]

The decision is taken out of my hands ... i dont have the option of blood tests or istikhara my mother found out and said the anwer is a definite no

Allah is the best of planners but i dont feel relief. just like a hypocrite.

[Unregistered]

"
Judging from ur last 2 posts I'd say u pretty much have ur mind made up and u do want to marry this guy, so why come ask for advice here? Its clear u think he's good for u , u dig ur hole u sleep in it! No such thing as drug addicts clearing themselves up iv been working with drug addicts and its a total failure. Once a drug addict always a drug addict! Places like RAUF and rehab centers alike think theyr doing people good, but iv seen drugs being sold at those places, don't make the mistake, but if ur minds made up then kindly dig a hole deep enough to fit u both in so as to keep ur future problems to urself. Also please and not bring children to this world if drugs are involvd. Love life is a fairy tale , slap urslef and wake up."


You have been working with drug addicts and have an attitude like that then my dear you are prob. the reason they still on drugs, You have seen drugs been sold at x y and z rehab. lucky you. this lady needs advice and has asked. This is the platform where a person can ask anything they want and its upto admin to supervise and tell people what to and if they can use the platform. I challenge you to prove that ALL addicts in recovery are still on and always will do drugs. i will prove all your stats wrong. @lady-in-love If he WAS on drugs its in his past ask if he would mind a random test if he agrees one day out of the blue ask him to do the test, if he still is on drugs leave him and DON'T look back, if he is clean you've found a person wit an addictive personality and that type of person could be addicted to anything and if its you he is addicted to then insha-allah he will always be and he will take care of you. pray istikhara do the checks and if its all good make nikkah and insha-allah you will be happy. because you are doing it for the right reasons. Allah knows best

[Unregistered]

I want it to be him but what do i do when my parents made their decision... do i still do the test n take it to them ? Would that be wrong? Going against ones parents wishes?

[Unregistered]

my dear sister; i understand your problem and i know how you feel. my fiancée was not doing drugs but was married previously and you know how families can be. there were a lot of tears and heartache but my fiancée and i persevered. my parents have come around after we talked about the issues. dont give up! i know it is hard and some days you will feel like its much easier to just give up and let go but think abt the moments when you talk to him or when you are with him. this mubarak month is coming up, ask Allah for guidance and help. if possible, ask him to speak to your parents and maybe attend nikah classes together and with your parents. our parents only want whats best for us after raising us, so guide them also. they dont know him they way you do, they dont listen to him the way you do. help them see what you see and in sha Allah, all will be well.

[Unregistered]

slmz
to the sister with the good advice, yesterday i was kinda down but i discussed it wit him n he said hes going to try and make my mother see what i mean to him and he isnt giving up. he also said we cant do anything against my parents n so we just gonna work on their blessings. he's gonna write my mother a letter apparently lol which im not to see. my only issue is that do i take all this difficulties as a sign that i shouldnt persevere? i kept making dua that if he is good for me in marriage then Allah must make it easy for me. n if its not easy is it a sign that i should concede..... i wish i had the answers

[Unregistered]

my dear sister; i am glad that you feel better and that you discussed it with him. he is right when he says that you cannot do anything against your parents wishes, and that shows good character in that he respects your parents role in your life. read istikhara for yourself, and if the answer is positive then persevere. Your parents love you and want whats best for you. so let them see the good that you see. and turn to Allah, he is the best of guides. good luck :-)

[Unregistered]

Yes ppl can change but it can take time, he may v been on hard drugs but then they turn to something lighter, u can't change him his got to dec that on his own. When they v deceased parents n can't deal with it they look for comfort in booze/drugs plz don't get involved ull be making ur life a misery, all they do is lie n make ur life a living hell n ull be blamed for things u knoww nothing of. wait for Mr right to come ur way plz