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Unregistered
08-03-2018, 09:51 AM
aNaniMous Questions
Salaams. I am married almost 6 years now. Thing is, I am not happy and don't think I ever have been in this marriage, I did not know my wife for long before we married and as a result did not know about her in detail. I wanted to do things the right way so I met her at her parents house the first time, liked her and so we met a few times after before we decided we get Married, problem is, we are worlds apart, Initially her parents told me that she did not complete school and that she was not the best at math and English, I figured this is not a major issue, little did I know that they were sugar coating the real problem which I still don't know how to convey without seeming rude but there is clearly something wrong, a little while back when we were having issues another family member of hers who was trying to help told me that they thought I knew she was a bit "slow" and that I had been told this but honestly I was never told of this at least not in the way I should have been. I have a kid with her now conceived when we first got married and I love my child dearly but I cannot keep ignoring the issue with the mother, I did realise a long while back that something is not right with her but I wanted to try and make this work somehow and when I wanted to give up my emotions were played on by her family and I felt bad and took her back but I really do not think I can deal with this much longer, she is my wife by name but in truth is more a spectator to my life rather than being a part of it, I cannot come home and talk to her as I should, I cannot even converse with her as I would want to with my wife because we are not on the same wave length, I just want someone I can actually talk to, who I can have a normal conversation with, this is really starting to derail my life now but I do not know what to do, I honestly do not want to hurt anyone but at the same time I cannot pretend and live the rest of my life like this, I do not feel it was fair that they were not honest with me at the start but at the same time I know I should have been more cautious, I can never say I regret this but that is only because of the wonderful child we have, I just don't know what to do, my child is more of a companion to me than her mother and she is not even at school yet! People will say try or try harder but I have been doing this, try to see the good and ignore the bad I have done this also, try and speak to her in a way she understands, done that also, I have reached a point now were I have just about given up and feel I am wasting my life away like this, I am no spring chicken, almost 30 now but I have ambitions in life, goals, ideas s unfortunately I have nobody to share them with when she should be the one I ought to be sharing and living them out with,if I just end it I will be hurting so many people not to mention my child which I never want to do but if I continue without doing anything I will end up a bitter old man who regrets having wasted his life boxing in who he is to accommodate someone else. What do I do?
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Nanima
08-03-2018, 09:57 AM
Poster please let us know what have you done to find out what is the real issue with your wife? what is her condition. let us know what you are dealing with exactly? do you even know?

Unregistered
08-03-2018, 04:00 PM
Can we ask the poster questions anonymously here?

Unregistered
08-03-2018, 04:40 PM
I have asked her parents and they insist there is nothing but it is clear to me that they are in denial about something, people make it as if it is nothing but it is so clearly apparent after spending 5 minutes speaking with her on her own. To better understand the problem, put it this way. If she had to take my phone and read thru these posts of mine, she would not truly comprehend it, she would not understand what I am saying, she will for instance maybe just get upset for a few seconds about me talking about her and then get over it or if I wanted to I could make her believe some completely insane story about what the posts mean. The problem is just that her level of understanding is just not there,her control over her emotions is also an issue, she can go from happy to raging in seconds,and the things that she actually concerns herself with or things that she worries about are not things someone of her age should be worrying about rather someone much younger. I honestly actually feel bad for her, I read a comment that says she didn't ask to be this way and she deserves to be happy, and I 100% share the same opinion, her happiness is what I want but at the same time I also want to be me, I really feel bad for her because to be frank, she is absolutely unaware of how she is, I say this with respect to her and don't intend to be rude but, her intellect is limited and this limits her understanding of what is going on, I know that her because of this she can only do so much or be so much, I believe in expectation in line with ability, if a person can only give of what is considered 50%percent to you and they are giving you that 50% it is actually 100% for them and it must be appreciated, I understand all of this, it is just very difficult to cope with, because as much as it is great to be kind and considerate it also prevents me from being me which at the end of the day just frustrates me and I do not know how to vent it,a day even if I do, it just starts all over again, like a cycle.

Unregistered
08-03-2018, 04:42 PM
Poster please let us know what have you done to find out what is the real issue with your wife? what is her condition. let us know what you are dealing with exactly? do you even know?
I have done so, please see below

Unregistered
08-03-2018, 04:47 PM
I have done so, please see below

Or above. I would also like to ad that, no I do not know exactly what is wrong but I do know her parents must know, they will just sugar coat everything tho and believe that they have tried whatever they could to help her but could not, I just think I should have been told about it, one of the comments spoke of intellectual disabilities and I went and I Google it and read a bit about it, and truth be told, from what I understood, I think this may be the problem

Nanima
08-03-2018, 06:52 PM
clearly you want out of this and we can understand your frustration from you described. even if you decide to move on with your life
1. what happens to your child
2. don't you feel you owe it to your child at least to help her mother get a better quality of life
what you describe about her seems like she is having difficulty expressing herself. Googling etc won't help.
you invested 6 years of your life plus a child in this relationship.
you keep on blaming the parents for not disclosing whatever but after 1 year at least you should have tried to find out yourself what is the real issue you dealing with.
3. go ahead merrily with your life but at the end of the day this problem will be your daughters problem. at least help her make her mothers life more better.
the past is the past with your in laws. stop the grudge against them. You had enough insight for years that things are not ok with your wife yet you did nothing but just blame and blame. you only worried about what she can give you in your marriage. have you not thought maybe Allah sent her to you to maybe help her come out of this darkness she is in. the least you could have done is find out what is wrong instead of hoping someone will tell you. spending some money on this problem could have saved you years of grief.. now you wasted years and years. maybe there is place where she could go to rehabilitate or something..
just help her with her path of healing. leave her if you must but just remember this will be your daughters problem..

Unregistered
08-03-2018, 07:15 PM
clearly you want out of this and we can understand your frustration from you described. even if you decide to move on with your life
1. what happens to your child
2. don't you feel you owe it to your child at least to help her mother get a better quality of life
what you describe about her seems like she is having difficulty expressing herself. Googling etc won't help.
you invested 6 years of your life plus a child in this relationship.
you keep on blaming the parents for not disclosing whatever but after 1 year at least you should have tried to find out yourself what is the real issue you dealing with.
3. go ahead merrily with your life but at the end of the day this problem will be your daughters problem. at least help her make her mothers life more better.
the past is the past with your in laws. stop the grudge against them. You had enough insight for years that things are not ok with your wife yet you did nothing but just blame and blame. you only worried about what she can give you in your marriage. have you not thought maybe Allah sent her to you to maybe help her come out of this darkness she is in. the least you could have done is find out what is wrong instead of hoping someone will tell you. spending some money on this problem could have saved you years of grief.. now you wasted years and years. maybe there is place where she could go to rehabilitate or something..
just help her with her path of healing. leave her if you must but just remember this will be your daughters problem..

I am not holding any grudges,I do not go around telling people about this or make it apparent I try and hide it and overlook it, but how does one do that when it is your life? I just don't think it is fair, I also did not mention whether I have a son or a daughter, the child is also a big part of the reason this has gone on so long, I know a child needs stability and so I am trying to give the child that the child will eventually grow up and see and understand the situation for herself, then what happens?

Nanima
08-03-2018, 07:19 PM
I am not saying stay there for the child. i am saying help the mother for the child's sake..
I am asking what is the plan now
what do you want to happen
do you want to send the mother back to her parents
do you want to send the mother and your child back to her parents. you seem like a great father so I don't think this would be an option.
if you keep you child what is your plan with your child
what happens with your child

Unregistered
08-03-2018, 07:23 PM
clearly you want out of this and we can understand your frustration from you described. even if you decide to move on with your life
1. what happens to your child
2. don't you feel you owe it to your child at least to help her mother get a better quality of life
what you describe about her seems like she is having difficulty expressing herself. Googling etc won't help.
you invested 6 years of your life plus a child in this relationship.
you keep on blaming the parents for not disclosing whatever but after 1 year at least you should have tried to find out yourself what is the real issue you dealing with.
3. go ahead merrily with your life but at the end of the day this problem will be your daughters problem. at least help her make her mothers life more better.
the past is the past with your in laws. stop the grudge against them. You had enough insight for years that things are not ok with your wife yet you did nothing but just blame and blame. you only worried about what she can give you in your marriage. have you not thought maybe Allah sent her to you to maybe help her come out of this darkness she is in. the least you could have done is find out what is wrong instead of hoping someone will tell you. spending some money on this problem could have saved you years of grief.. now you wasted years and years. maybe there is place where she could go to rehabilitate or something..
just help her with her path of healing. leave her if you must but just remember this will be your daughters problem..

I do want to help her as well, but sometimes you must accept that you can only do so much, trying to fix something by bending it to much will only break it. How would you suggest I attempt to help her further?

Unregistered
08-03-2018, 07:35 PM
I am not saying stay there for the child. i am saying help the mother for the child's sake..
I am asking what is the plan now
what do you want to happen
do you want to send the mother back to her parents
do you want to send the mother and your child back to her parents. you seem like a great father so I don't think this would be an option.
if you keep you child what is your plan with your child
what happens with your child

I do not know what the plan is, that is why I am searching for a solution. Between my wife and I my child is more attached to me, I have even looked after her by myself for a while when we separated, so sending my child away is never going to be an option, I do not want the mother to go back either,because the child needs a mother, not just any mother but her mother, my wife is also more comfortable here, she even says she does not want to go back and I would feel terrible if I had to force her away and back to where she was, not that I am saying it was a bad place, but clearly she is happier here, if I leave things I feel trapped if I let her go I feel guilty, a lot of the comments suggested polygomy, but i do not understand this, it's not as if women are just begging to be a second wife so it's not that easy, what do you think about this? If there was someone who could understand the both of us, do you think that would work?

Unregistered
08-03-2018, 07:49 PM
Poster while I see a lot of people don't really understand what you're saying I just want you to know that I do understand. I have a cousin who is a bit "slow" much like your wife. The truth is that her family is in denial about her status, and I think that your in laws may be too. It might not be that they purposely hid something but rather they're in denial of the problem. Maybe to them simply telling you that she didn't finish school and that she's not good in English and Math was a sufficient explanation for her cognitive status.

The one thing we have gathered from this is that you really are a good person and that all you want is a little happiness and there's nothing wrong with that.

While I cannot advise you on what to do I can give you the options open to you. Sit down and think them through, make istikhaara and ask Allah to guide you:

Option 1: divorce your wife and continue to support her and your child. Be an active part of your child's life. Find yourself, be on your own for a little and then start looking for another wife

Option 2: keep her in your nikaah and take a second wife who will be able to fulfill all that you crave in your current marriage. That way you won't be abandoning your wife nor will you be stifling yourself

Unregistered
08-03-2018, 08:03 PM
Poster while I see a lot of people don't really understand what you're saying I just want you to know that I do understand. I have a cousin who is a bit "slow" much like your wife. The truth is that her family is in denial about her status, and I think that your in laws may be too. It might not be that they purposely hid something but rather they're in denial of the problem. Maybe to them simply telling you that she didn't finish school and that she's not good in English and Math was a sufficient explanation for her cognitive status.

The one thing we have gathered from this is that you really are a good person and that all you want is a little happiness and there's nothing wrong with that.

While I cannot advise you on what to do I can give you the options open to you. Sit down and think them through, make istikhaara and ask Allah to guide you:

Option 1: divorce your wife and continue to support her and your child. Be an active part of your child's life. Find yourself, be on your own for a little and then start looking for another wife

Option 2: keep her in your nikaah and take a second wife who will be able to fulfill all that you crave in your current marriage. That way you won't be abandoning your wife nor will you be stifling yourself

I am genuinely happy that someone can understand somewhat, my situation, I feel you really hit the nail on the head with the way you described them being in denial and so on, the reality is, now there are 3 lives involved here my child's, wife's and mine. If we were to go our separate ways, I would not let my child go, the kid is my life,i do want to be supportive of my wife and I understand everyone can only do so much, but the cost of a broken home can lasts a long time, at the same time so to can the costs of an unhappy one, both will have its affect on the child. Like I said in a response prior, a lot of people suggested taking a 2nd wife and I can see the wisdom in their suggestions like yours, but like I said above, it's not like women are begging to be 2nd wives, lastly as I also mentioned In another response, and asked, do you think if I found someone who understood the both of us it would work?

Unregistered
08-03-2018, 08:12 PM
Poster, I understand what you trying to say. She may be slightly 'backward mentally' for lack of a better description. This is most probably a permanent thing.

What I can't understand is in the few conversations you had prior to marriage, did you not pick up on this? And even a month or two afterwards? If you living with a person, surely it would have become apparent? Please explain this part to us.

Nevertheless, what's done is done. You are still young and I don't see you sticking it out for another 30-40 years. I would suggest you read Isthikhaara first before making any hasty decisions.

If you feel you can be just with your time etc with her then maybe take a second wife so she is not abandoned after she bore you a child. I would hate to suggest divorce. You are in a very tough position. May Allah make it easy on all of you, and guide you towards what's best, Aameen.

Please do a follow up post here or on Ask Nanima regarding your decision.

Unregistered
08-03-2018, 08:31 PM
Poster, I understand what you trying to say. She may be slightly 'backward mentally' for lack of a better description. This is most probably a permanent thing.

What I can't understand is in the few conversations you had prior to marriage, did you not pick up on this? And even a month or two afterwards? If you living with a person, surely it would have become apparent? Please explain this part to us.

Nevertheless, what's done is done. You are still young and I don't see you sticking it out for another 30-40 years. I would suggest you read Isthikhaara first before making any hasty decisions.

If you feel you can be just with your time etc with her then maybe take a second wife so she is not abandoned after she bore you a child. I would hate to suggest divorce. You are in a very tough position. May Allah make it easy on all of you, and guide you towards what's best, Aameen.

Please do a follow up post here or on Ask Nanima regarding your decision.

I did pick up on it during the first few months, but you have to give some people chance, I figured maybe she just needs time to settle and relax, then also in the early stages where I realised, OK something is wrong here and I wanted out, I was stopped, I was told that it will come right and I do not blame anyone who told me that because of course people want to see a happy home and then even when she was pregnant, I was struggling, and to be honest wanted to even end it then, but that was not really an option and would not have been a good thing to do, mind, I was always going to look after the kid even if we divorced then, so again, we waited for things to come right, tried with each other, but nothing, after that, the kid was born, and that just changed everything, I think for a few years after that even if I wanted to leave I would not have been able to, only because of the child, they become your everything and you do not want to put their life's at any risk of any unhappiness, even now I feel the same, but the child is getting older now and things are still so difficult at times. That's basically where the better part of 6 years went, in between there was separation and divorce was almost certain but again we gave it another go, and now, here we are again.

Nanima
08-03-2018, 08:51 PM
second wife could be an option. the only issue that may come about is your child. what happens to your child when you at your other wife. is your wife able to look after your child alone without supervision?
my suggestion from the start is first let us find out what we dealing with. you said that you haven't told people and it seems like you want to protect your wife maybe but then maybe go to someone that is not close to where you live and just get her evaluated to find out what is her condition exactly..
then from there you can make plans..
once you have sorted out your first situation and your wife has coping skills and maybe more independent then maybe you can think about wife number two.
but for now let us on just focus on finding out what we can do to make your wife less frustrated.. who knows it may be something so simple.. medical technology so advanced maybe if she goes through some therapies it will be like a light switch that turns on. Allah knows.. for now.. wake up for tahajud and ask Allah to guide you.
Amazingly enough there are many ladies that seem to be going for inaccessible married man. inshAllah you seem like a good guy.. you may find someone willing to come on this journey with you.. you will also have to find someone that is compassionate. maybe also someone that will be good to your child and also compassionate to your first wife. have you asked your wife if this is an option..

Unregistered
08-03-2018, 09:00 PM
I did pick up something interesting first few months, but you have to give some people a chance, I figured maybe she just needs time to settle and relax, then also in the early stages where I realised, OK something is wrong here and I wanted out, I was stopped, I was told that it will come right and I do not blame anyone who told me that because of course people want to see a happy home and then even when she was pregnant, I was struggling, and to be honest wanted to even end it then, but that was not really an option and would not have been a good thing to do, mind, I was always going to look after the kid even if we divorced then, so again, we waited for things to come right, tried with each other, but nothing, after that, the kid was born, and that just changed everything, I think for a few years after that even if I wanted to leave I would not have been able to, only because of the child, they become your everything and you do not want to put their life's at any risk of any unhappiness, even now I feel the same, but the child is getting older now and things are still so difficult at times. That's basically where the better part of 6 years went, in between there was separation and divorce was almost certain but again we gave it another go, and now, here we are again.

Sauliha
08-03-2018, 09:33 PM
First things first, please take her to a professional and get a proper diagnosis. Neither you nor her family nor any of us on this thread is qualified to make a diagnosis. When she was with her parents, it was their responsibility to take her to a professional, then when she became your wife, it became your responsibility to do so.
You know best what you've been living with, so I won't downplay your word that you've been living in a tough situation, but before making decisions it's best to do things systematically. If it turns out that she has a diagnosed mental disability, then you do have a right to leave the marriage. But please try to continue helping her with rehabilitation to the best of your ability, for the sake of your child and for sadaqah. May Allah grant you both ease and contentment.

Unregistered
08-03-2018, 10:30 PM
second wife could be an option. the only issue that may come about is your child. what happens to your child when you at your other wife. is your wife able to look after your child alone without supervision?
my suggestion from the start is first let us find out what we dealing with. you said that you haven't told people and it seems like you want to protect your wife maybe but then maybe go to someone that is not close to where you live and just get her evaluated to find out what is her condition exactly..
then from there you can make plans..
once you have sorted out your first situation and your wife has coping skills and maybe more independent then maybe you can think about wife number two.
but for now let us on just focus on finding out what we can do to make your wife less frustrated.. who knows it may be something so simple.. medical technology so advanced maybe if she goes through some therapies it will be like a light switch that turns on. Allah knows.. for now.. wake up for tahajud and ask Allah to guide you.
Amazingly enough there are many ladies that seem to be going for inaccessible married man. inshAllah you seem like a good guy.. you may find someone willing to come on this journey with you.. you will also have to find someone that is compassionate. maybe also someone that will be good to your child and also compassionate to your first wife. have you asked your wife if this is an option..

As a matter of fact after reading all these posts, I did talk to her about it this afternoon, I started with talking to her about concentrating on things properly and she started to cry, almost as if she felt she was useless I felt bad, she said she can't concentrate and so on, she want he's television so I asked her what happened in a program she watched the other day and she told me, so I told her, see how do you know what happened? It's because you were concentrating on it, I also spoke to her about how different people are good at different things and honestly I did speak to her about another wife and I put it to her in this way, that whatever she is not able to do the other person may be able to do and she can learn from her and also that whatever she can do that the other person can't she can teach her, she seemed to have accepted the idea after a while, thing is, she is not a difficult person to influence and a part of me feels I am taking advantage of that, tho it really is not my intention as I could have influenced her a long time ago if I wanted, I was merely trying to show her how it would be of benefit to us. I also tried explaining to her that it is not always important to get things 100% right the important thing is that you try to get it right, make the effort. She did cry and then she laughed and cried again and laughed and I asked how she felt about what I suggested, bad, medium or good and she said medium. It is a very complex situation, I will heed your suggestion tho and first find out discreetly what the exact problem is and work from there, and yes she is able to look after the kid unsupervised but at times very absent minded or ignorant to a potentially dangerous situation, for example she won't see an issue with placing the child on a wall about 1.5mts of the ground but I cannot take away from her the fact that for the better part, she is definitely capable of monitoring the child temperamental yes, she may shout and stuff at the child but not violent towards the child. You make a lot of sense, if there is a 4th human being that comes into this equation, they have to be willing to integrate with all of us, i would also want everyone to live at least on one property so nobody is ever to far away. Before all of that comes into play tho, I will first find the root of my wife's problem. I also hope the amount of ladies going for inaccessible married men declines.

Unregistered
08-03-2018, 10:42 PM
First things first, please take her to a professional and get a proper diagnosis. Neither you nor her family nor any of us on this thread is qualified to make a diagnosis. When she was with her parents, it was their responsibility to take her to a professional, then when she became your wife, it became your responsibility to do so.
You know best what you've been living with, so I won't downplay your word that you've been living in a tough situation, but before making decisions it's best to do things systematically. If it turns out that she has a diagnosed mental disability, then you do have a right to leave the marriage. But please try to continue helping her with rehabilitation to the best of your ability, for the sake of your child and for sadaqah. May Allah grant you both ease and contentment.

That is what I intend doing, discreetly. She is not retarded and she is not physically handicapped, it is just very complexed and I do not know how to word it properly but yes I will seek help for her, I want to help her and I want to help myself as well because in the process of helping her I am sure I will become a better person, bonds are important in life and I know they should not be broken and I do not want to, I just want to find a solution that works for all of us, I would never be able to have a conversation with her in the ways in which I have conversed on this forum, and that frustrates me but I also know that she is not that way to spite me and she cannot control it. The first step as advised is to find out what the problem is, then find a solution that is suitable for all of us. This is what I now intend doing.

Nanima
08-03-2018, 11:08 PM
inshAllah it will all work out for the best for all. Keep us posted. if not via alert us then the anonymous questions link as well to carry on the conversation..

Unregistered
08-03-2018, 11:10 PM
I dont know if I have any advice to offer. I just want you know that you are a very kind human being and the world could use more people with empathy and compassion. I can see that you are not selfish and jumping to rash decisions. I know someone who has two wives and each wife has their own set of children (1st wife from him - 2nd wife from her own previous marriage) these wives are very close and have no issues at all. They help each other in times of need. Stay at each other's houses. Their kids treat each other as their own mothers.

It is possible to have 2 wives and that they will get along. May ALLAH guide your DESICION in such a way that it is best for all parties involved

Unregistered
08-03-2018, 11:31 PM
I think you are correct in getting a diagnosis first. Basically you feel you are conversing with a child instead of an adult. If she is easily influenced then you can take her to get assessed without hassles.

You do seem like a decent guy and I really feel sorry for the position you in. I am very interested in the outcome of this post. The second wife option will probably be best as she is now already a part of your life.

Unregistered
09-03-2018, 06:42 AM
inshAllah it will all work out for the best for all. Keep us posted. if not via alert us then the anonymous questions link as well to carry on the conversation..

Ameen. I certainly will, this experience has helped me, for the first time in literally years I have been able to be me and converse as I would normally.

Unregistered
09-03-2018, 06:47 AM
I dont know if I have any advice to offer. I just want you know that you are a very kind human being and the world could use more people with empathy and compassion. I can see that you are not selfish and jumping to rash decisions. I know someone who has two wives and each wife has their own set of children (1st wife from him - 2nd wife from her own previous marriage) these wives are very close and have no issues at all. They help each other in times of need. Stay at each other's houses. Their kids treat each other as their own mothers.

It is possible to have 2 wives and that they will get along. May ALLAH guide your DESICION in such a way that it is best for all parties involved

Ameen. I hope so as well, and thank you for the kind words, having a little compassion does not cost a thing.

Unregistered
09-03-2018, 06:55 AM
I think you are correct in getting a diagnosis first. Basically you feel you are conversing with a child instead of an adult. If she is easily influenced then you can take her to get assessed without hassles.

You do seem like a decent guy and I really feel sorry for the position you in. I am very interested in the outcome of this post. The second wife option will probably be best as she is now already a part of your life.

That is precisely how I feel alot of times, that I am conversing with a child. Yes I will get her diagnosed as the soonest and take it from there and I will post an update, you are also correct in saying that she already is a part of my life, I would be lying if I said I wouldn't miss her if she's gone,but at the same time I am lonely when she's here, in terms of a companion and I am a part of her life as well now and this is probably all she knows now. First step is to go and get a professional diagnosis then work on a solution from there and find one that accommodates all of us. Thank you for the kind words.

Unregistered
09-03-2018, 08:44 AM
While you trying to figure out what is exactly the issue with your wife before considering a second wife, you seem to crave intellectual conversation. From experience most marriages to have communication meltdowns eventually and the conversation seems to end up one sided or not at all.so even a second marriage may get boring but at least there maybe better understanding. You will have to think properly if you want this route as it also could get complicated for you. I do understand the gravity of your problem. I am praying for a miracle cure for your wife. she enjoys certain programs and can concentrate. Find more activities that can stimulate her intellectually. Find out what she enjoys. For yourself also maybe find a good friend you can just make chit chat with. Maybe join a fishing club or soccer or archery or even go on jamaat. This way you can get to talk to others. Until you can sort out your first situation and you are comfortable and still looking for a spouse then go ahead. Someone that will have to come in there with an open heart to all of you.

Unregistered
09-03-2018, 09:36 AM
While you trying to figure out what is exactly the issue with your wife before considering a second wife, you seem to crave intellectual conversation. From experience most marriages to have communication meltdowns eventually and the conversation seems to end up one sided or not at all.so even a second marriage may get boring but at least there maybe better understanding. You will have to think properly if you want this route as it also could get complicated for you. I do understand the gravity of your problem. I am praying for a miracle cure for your wife. she enjoys certain programs and can concentrate. Find more activities that can stimulate her intellectually. Find out what she enjoys. For yourself also maybe find a good friend you can just make chit chat with. Maybe join a fishing club or soccer or archery or even go on jamaat. This way you can get to talk to others. Until you can sort out your first situation and you are comfortable and still looking for a spouse then go ahead. Someone that will have to come in there with an open heart to all of you.

Yes, you make a good point about craving conversation, I actually do not have any friends, not because I cannot make friends, I just don't have any so that is something I will try and do tho having friends would mean having friends that are also married as unmarried friends would probably mean different interests and so on. Married friends would also probably lead to us speaking about our families which would in turn probably make me think harder about the situation I am in, but that is a problem for another day, about having a second wife, it is not something I will just jump into and I know while it may be a solution, it may not be the one at this particular moment and I should not be rash I doing things, it is like a complicated math equation, to get the solution you must first complete the steps correctly or you end up with a wrong answer and in this case a wrong answer is not an option also to solve the equation I must first know all the variables, so I best take my time, the first thing that needs to be done is to find out what the problem is and work from there, without knowing the problem, one cannot just bring in someone else thinking they are the solution, that could cause the situation to worsen and create another problem so like I said above, I must work it out, solve the equation and not guess the answer. A lot of thinking is required here and a lot of action, I am willing to do this and hope that everything works out for the best for us.

Helper
09-03-2018, 07:06 PM
I'm the poster who said I understand what you're going through because I have a cousin like that.

To reply to your question about women wanting to be second wives. The truth is that there are women out there who would want to be a second wife. Good men are not easy to find and so many women are single or divorced. You would just have to find the right person. Indeed I think if you find someone kind and compassionate and one who understands and accepts the situation it could work.

Aside from the issue of second wives, I think you should have realistic expectations as well. I'm in the health field and in addition to having a cousin like your wife I've also had patients like her (I'm not a psychologist though). It's not necessarily something that can be "cured" or "treated with therapy". It's just how she as a person is able to interpret things from a cognitive perspective.

Don't go in with hopes that you'll get a "diagnosis" or that therapy will "cure" her. I don't mean to sound negative. I just don't want to set you up for further disappointment by creating unrealistic expectations.

Like I say other people don't understand this but I somewhat do because I've interacted with these types of people. But do not lose hope.

I suggest that you see a psychologist to help you deal with it. I know there's this stigma attached to seeing a psychologist but there is nothing wrong with it. In fact they will be able to help you cope with your situation better.

Additionally like you yourself say you could make friends to have stimulating conversations with. Even family, cousins or siblings can fill that need for stimulating conversation. Join the local soccer team, make friends, get a hobby so that you can interact with people who have similar interests to you. It'll create an outlet of sorts for you.

May Allah make it easy for you. Request to one and all to please keep the poster in your duas.

Unregistered
10-03-2018, 04:34 PM
Slmz Poster

I am highly educated female ( three university degrees-cum laude and currently working as a professional for a massive corporate) so shukr to Allah I am what you would call a "smart woman". When I was in my teens I was invited to a function and met a girl about two years older than me who happened to live near to me. We struck up a friendship- she was sweet, very friendly and genuinely appreciated my friendship. I realised (like you did with your wife) that she wasn't academically smart but in every other way she seemed normal enough ( a goody two shoes compared to me in those days). Months later one day me and ger got dropped off by her mom for a movie and the mom said to me as i got out the car ( my friend could not hear) that i must just look after her because she is a little slow. Just like that the penny dropped for me. Now decades later we are still friends- I'm successful, married with big kids and happy but she never got married because her parents wouldnt allow- always feeling she would be taken advantage of. Today she runs their house in terms of cooking, watching over other grandkids etc. she is still so sweet to me, so happy for every single achievement of mine, never jealous or envious. She craves having a family and spouse. When we meet she often shows such insight that i have to remind myself she is "slow". She may be simple but she is kind and forgiving. I miss her when I don't see her but at the same time i can never speak to her about the demands if my job or things like current affairs. Over the years i have come to be the person she can turn to, the one that will kindly dissuade her from doing something stupid without insulting her. All these years later I don't think she realizes her intellectual limitations- instead she feels hard done by in life. The point of this long story is that your wife will want what all us humans want- love and stability. You made your choice and now I feel you must take responsibility for that choice- it sounds to me that a second wife is the only solution. Oh what rewards await you for showing this mother of your child love and patience. She is a trial for you from Allah but also the source of yoir greatest joy- your child. There are indeed women who would be open to being a second wife but you must approach the matter with honesty. Don't turn the first one into the home wife while the second gets to accompany you outside the house. Work hard to create a balance, praise her for the good she does, find comfort in her simplicity in an otherwise crazy world. When you are old one day and infirm she may be the one to stand by you. I don't think there is anything wrong in you craving a companion on your level. Just go forward now in kindness as you do so. Protect her reputation and that of her parents- no one need know that a second wife is because the first is slow ( even with the lady you choose to marry don't describe her in negative language. You can be honest without being mean). I will keep you in my duas. The best thing you can do for your daughter or son is to love their mom.

Unregistered
10-03-2018, 10:05 PM
I think you should stay with her and start doing activities or hobbies that might interest her.so what if she's a bit slow look at the good in her .u may not find sum1 wit her good qualities.

Unregistered
13-03-2018, 11:04 AM
I'm the poster who said I understand what you're going through because I have a cousin like that.

To reply to your question about women wanting to be second wives. The truth is that there are women out there who would want to be a second wife. Good men are not easy to find and so many women are single or divorced. You would just have to find the right person. Indeed I think if you find someone kind and compassionate and one who understands and accepts the situation it could work.

Aside from the issue of second wives, I think you should have realistic expectations as well. I'm in the health field and in addition to having a cousin like your wife I've also had patients like her (I'm not a psychologist though). It's not necessarily something that can be "cured" or "treated with therapy". It's just how she as a person is able to interpret things from a cognitive perspective.

Don't go in with hopes that you'll get a "diagnosis" or that therapy will "cure" her. I don't mean to sound negative. I just don't want to set you up for further disappointment by creating unrealistic expectations.

Like I say other people don't understand this but I somewhat do because I've interacted with these types of people. But do not lose hope.

I suggest that you see a psychologist to help you deal with it. I know there's this stigma attached to seeing a psychologist but there is nothing wrong with it. In fact they will be able to help you cope with your situation better.

Additionally like you yourself say you could make friends to have stimulating conversations with. Even family, cousins or siblings can fill that need for stimulating conversation. Join the local soccer team, make friends, get a hobby so that you can interact with people who have similar interests to you. It'll create an outlet of sorts for you.

May Allah make it easy for you. Request to one and all to please keep the poster in your duas.

Brilliant, I can tell that you actually understand the situation and the points I am trying to get across. Honestly, like you said about getting a diagnosis and so on and that it may not be of benefit, I agree with you. A lot of people will have a lot of nasty things to say if I had to say that in my heart I don't think any of that would benefit her but I'm glad that you seem to get where I am coming from. This is how she is, who she is, I cannot change it and in truth I think I have come to accept it. I will still nonetheless get her to a professional and try. But for me, it is not a matter that can be fixed rather it is one than needs to be managed, and I am willing to do this, yes I still crave the intellectual stimulation and for this I would like to have someone who can give this to me and I think this is the route I will take. My wife is who she is but she is human and like I said before, I do not want to hurt her or anyone and as much as I feel lonely at time I would not wish that on her hence I will not and it was never in my intentions to just throw her away or abandon her, I would never. I think in my heart I already know the solution, but as my previous response says, I must first complete each step, so that nobody may ever say I was unjust to her or did not try and help her or at least in the way they think I should help her. I am genuinely pleased that someone can actually understand where I am coming from and rather than get on my back, actually try and assist as you have, that was the purpose of my post, to find a solution but also I was really frustrated and needed to talk to people who could understand.

Unregistered
13-03-2018, 11:28 AM
Slmz Poster

I am highly educated female ( three university degrees-cum laude and currently working as a professional for a massive corporate) so shukr to Allah I am what you would call a "smart woman". When I was in my teens I was invited to a function and met a girl about two years older than me who happened to live near to me. We struck up a friendship- she was sweet, very friendly and genuinely appreciated my friendship. I realised (like you did with your wife) that she wasn't academically smart but in every other way she seemed normal enough ( a goody two shoes compared to me in those days). Months later one day me and ger got dropped off by her mom for a movie and the mom said to me as i got out the car ( my friend could not hear) that i must just look after her because she is a little slow. Just like that the penny dropped for me. Now decades later we are still friends- I'm successful, married with big kids and happy but she never got married because her parents wouldnt allow- always feeling she would be taken advantage of. Today she runs their house in terms of cooking, watching over other grandkids etc. she is still so sweet to me, so happy for every single achievement of mine, never jealous or envious. She craves having a family and spouse. When we meet she often shows such insight that i have to remind myself she is "slow". She may be simple but she is kind and forgiving. I miss her when I don't see her but at the same time i can never speak to her about the demands if my job or things like current affairs. Over the years i have come to be the person she can turn to, the one that will kindly dissuade her from doing something stupid without insulting her. All these years later I don't think she realizes her intellectual limitations- instead she feels hard done by in life. The point of this long story is that your wife will want what all us humans want- love and stability. You made your choice and now I feel you must take responsibility for that choice- it sounds to me that a second wife is the only solution. Oh what rewards await you for showing this mother of your child love and patience. She is a trial for you from Allah but also the source of yoir greatest joy- your child. There are indeed women who would be open to being a second wife but you must approach the matter with honesty. Don't turn the first one into the home wife while the second gets to accompany you outside the house. Work hard to create a balance, praise her for the good she does, find comfort in her simplicity in an otherwise crazy world. When you are old one day and infirm she may be the one to stand by you. I don't think there is anything wrong in you craving a companion on your level. Just go forward now in kindness as you do so. Protect her reputation and that of her parents- no one need know that a second wife is because the first is slow ( even with the lady you choose to marry don't describe her in negative language. You can be honest without being mean). I will keep you in my duas. The best thing you can do for your daughter or son is to love their mom.


Your post has brought tears to my eyes. You are to your friend what I wish to be to my wife, as I responded to another poster in that I am so glad that someone understands so to I say the same for you, there really is no learning like the learning gained from experience. I am not being arrogant here but I feel I really do mean a lot to my wife, she may not give me everything I crave but I probably give her everything she does. The part about your friends being a to manage the house and so on yet you not being able to talk to her about certain issues is so true of my wife as well. The part about her craving a family and so on really does sadden me a great deal and this is part of the reason I didn't want to let go of my wife, I do not want her to go back and then as she gets older sees people together remembers what she had and gets sad. She may not have the same level of emotions as I or someone else does but she can still feel heartache and that is not something I want to her to experience for all her limits he still does hold a place in my heart. And also for my child, she is her mother, I want them to experience life together, even if it is not as it normally would be, the part about having another wife, I also feel this is the solution, in my head it plays out like this. I find someone who will not only give me what I desire but also be a friend to me, my wife and my child, I even thought it would be great someone who already has a kid of their own, that way my child would also have someone and the person who comes I would have a good family, family for me is very very important and I love having everyone together. That however is in an ideal world, in reality I have no clue how to achieve this on my own but I have hope. I also would not demean my wife to another wife nor would I have one being just a housewife and the other above her, my idea of all of this is that they function together, do things together, and everyone be happy. On achieving this, I do not know how to even begin as I try and be a person who does things the right way, in this day and age tho, it is difficult. I actually relate a lot to your thought system with regards to dealing with this situation.

Unregistered
21-07-2018, 09:50 PM
Salaams, just wanted to find out the outcome of this situation. Out of all the questions Nanima posted, this one really stuck with me. Poster, I hope you have managed to work out a solution Inshaa Allah.

Please update us.

Unregistered
13-06-2019, 10:13 AM
It has been just over a year now since I posted this question here and I just wanted to post an update.

My wife has not changed who she is, she is still the same but you know what? I am happy and I love her, in fact I can not imagine life without her,she may not have had the ability to change herself but i certainly had the ability to change mine and wow. What a difference a little change can make. I look around now and I consider myself fortunate to have her rather than unfortunate , I have a wonderful family, a loving wife albeit crazy at times wife and a most wonderful kid, I say crazy in a loving way because I love it and I would be hard pressed to find all of the attributes she has in any other one person.

A response somewhere here stated something along the lines of maybe she was sent to me so that I may benefit her and you know what? I disagree because I believe it was I sent to her so that I may benefit, I am today a better person than I was before her and she has thought me so much, not in an academic sense but in an emotional one, and we cannot put a value on that so for me she is invaluable.

If there is anyone who faces the same situation or a similar one to what I did, I say to you, do not give up, I know how hard it may be but do not give up and more importantly than anything else, turn to your Creator and make Dua, this is something I cannot stress enough, make Dua and make it with your heart and you will never go wrong what it can do for you is beyond comprehension.

Unregistered
24-08-2019, 06:12 PM
Your 1 year later follow up has been truly inspiring SubhanAllah. Your actions and decisions were ones that took the most courage and Iím so happy that it has worked out in the way it did for you.
I pray that one day Allah SWT grants me a husband with as much understanding and courage as you have.

May Allah SWT continue to grant you and your wife barakah in your marriage and may you spend many happy years together and be blessed with healthy and righteous children Ameen!

Unregistered
24-08-2019, 07:49 PM
We understand your frustration, in a marriage we all need both partners support, compromise and unity, have u thought of going for going marriage counseling or could be your wife is silently suffering with depression, or if it's intellectual difficulty maybe ask her to attend some classes learn or try new things and she might open up and be a different person. All the best

Unregistered
25-08-2019, 08:26 AM
Salaams poster. I understand that you are unsatisfied in your marriage. When you say you are giving 100% she probably is not receiving all you are giving hence the rage. What upsets her may not fit within your idea of what is age appropriate yet for her they are things that really upset her. If you say she is giving 50% and for her that is 100%. The 50% is only what you receiving and end up being unsatisfied because you may not understand her view. You are from two different worlds but please try and read the book called the 5 love languages by Gary Chapman. It can help you gain understanding and the closeness you crave in your marriage. It can help you understand her. Once you gain closeness to her and you both feel loved you can assist her in getting the help she needs.

You can be happy. If you want more information on the book please Facebook messenger me and I will send you a video link on what the book is all about. You both are just probably missing each others cues in the love you trying to give/receive hence the unsatisfaction. The rage could be an indication that she is struggling with the marriage just as you are.

Before you give up please try this avenue. It truly helped me with my marriage. I also got married without knowing my husband and it was tough. Alhamdulillah 6/7 years later we have come very far and are both happy. I can tell you if I didn come across this book by Gary Chapman and the concept he has about marriage I wouldn't have still been in this marriage. Emotional unsatisfaction can truly take over your life. Once u find the satisfaction in your marriage you can look at reaching your goals

Unregistered
25-08-2019, 08:41 AM
It has been just over a year now since I posted this question here and I just wanted to post an update.

My wife has not changed who she is, she is still the same but you know what? I am happy and I love her, in fact I can not imagine life without her,she may not have had the ability to change herself but i certainly had the ability to change mine and wow. What a difference a little change can make. I look around now and I consider myself fortunate to have her rather than unfortunate , I have a wonderful family, a loving wife albeit crazy at times wife and a most wonderful kid, I say crazy in a loving way because I love it and I would be hard pressed to find all of the attributes she has in any other one person.

A response somewhere here stated something along the lines of maybe she was sent to me so that I may benefit her and you know what? I disagree because I believe it was I sent to her so that I may benefit, I am today a better person than I was before her and she has thought me so much, not in an academic sense but in an emotional one, and we cannot put a value on that so for me she is invaluable.

If there is anyone who faces the same situation or a similar one to what I did, I say to you, do not give up, I know how hard it may be but do not give up and more importantly than anything else, turn to your Creator and make Dua, this is something I cannot stress enough, make Dua and make it with your heart and you will never go wrong what it can do for you is beyond comprehension.
This is so beautiful mash Allah
May Allah bless you in this world and the next
Remember to ask Allah to give you the strength to deal with what He has decreed for you- we ask for x or y but not for the strength and wisdom to manage what he already has given us
Remember too that Allah gives all of us a test in some way to see how we react
I married a man who was academically brilliant and everything I wanted -14 years later he decided I wasnít what he wanted and he cheated on me
May Allah have mercy on us all

Nabeelah002
25-08-2019, 10:41 AM
Hi poster

I think you alone know what you've been through and all the avenues you have tried. I understand your plight, as your partner can either make you or break you. Its easy for people to say to think of the child but your happiness matters too. I suggest the following:

Have a meeting with your inlaws and one of her uncles (basically a mediator) and lay out the issue. State that you are not happy and look for a way forward.

Pray istikharah salaah and ask Allah for guidance. You will not believe the doors that will open for you

May Allah guide you. Its not easy to walk away from a marriage, but sometimes it's a means of your sanity

Unregistered
25-08-2019, 08:13 PM
I still remember following this story last year. Jazaakallah for the update, it really is inspirational. Makes you realise nothing is impossible with the power of duaa.